Aside

Equanimity

Hi,

Hope you all have a great weekend..

Its been three days and we are hardly talking….

she said many things but now I feel she never meant any of them…

I think she needs her own space…

now she has it… I am no more in the equation…

hope that helps her….

I have awesome friends….

they have been there for me…..

they have supported me….

made me laugh….

and they helped to bring out the best in me….

and I feel really grateful to them….

she came into my life… she gave me some memories….

but things did not went well…

but with my friends I never have to think about things going right or wrong….

no matter how I am… they accept me…

and I think that is what is the key for a successful bond….

she is unable to accept me as I am… keeps on passing the blame onto me…

that simply means.. she does not deserved me in the first place….

and it was so foolish of me to keep it dragging…

I gave her more importance then myself….

and I think that is where it all went wrong….

and the best part is I did it… without realizing what I was doing….

and now that I have realized it… I think the damage has been done…

I read some articles on behavior… and she turned out to be a “toxic person”….

the way she behaves with me now a days….

she twists my words to pass the blame onto me….

she hardly makes any effort to know about my well being…

and she has been taking me for granted…

makes me pursue her all the time… and enjoys it…

I have no problem doing that… but she does not shows any respect at all…

no compassion… no consideration….

she used to make me laugh… but she had not done it in a long while…

and I don’t want to criticize her for it…

I want to be with her in the hoping that she would do it some day…

but the reality is she would not be with me…

following her parents wishes…

she would get married to someone… and I would be left alone…

I don’t know what to do anymore…

It’s like being in the middle of a dark tunnel… and not knowing which way to go…

like there is no light on both the ends….

and I am left all alone….

but eventually I will get to the end…

and be in the light again… and I feel like she would be there…

along with my friends… and everything would be as it is meant to be….

 

 

Aside

things would be how they meant to be, not the way we want..

Hi,

 

Hope everything is going great in your lives…

I recently had a fight with Neha…

and since then she is not talking to me….

and it seems like it is all a fake fight she has put up with me….

she blocked me on whats app…

and then removed her display pic to confuse me…

presently I am unblocked…

she is not sending any good morning or good evening or good night wishes that she used to send earlier..

it all started after the meeting….

her parents are arranging her marriage…

and though I have told her everything…

she insists on going by the decision of her parents…

she told me that she does not wants to be an example for her juniors…

though when we talk I feel that it is not what she wants..

she is pretending to be rude to me…

I felt really bad when she did that..

she does not says “Hi” even…

I know nothing is instantanious…

but I think I have done my part…

I have told her that I am not backing out on any commitment…

and I would like to meet her parents too..

but she refuses…

So, everything seems to be stuck around her…

and I think she is occupying my mind alot…

I want to get my mind free of her…

and I think it is due to the fact I was very much occupied…..

occupied to make things work between us…

and forgot to live…

my friend advise me to move out of it…

as my part is done and over…

but I realize my mistake now…

she was after me because I was happy..

I gave importance to myself…

but now I was not respecting myself…

this whole post has showed me that she was so much on my mind all the time…

while I was not on hers…

she is able to focus on other things…

her studies… her family… her friends…

but I am not able to focus on the good things…

all I was doing was thinking about her and her issues….

that she doesn’t even want to deal with…

I think I should go with the flow and accept what is….

rather than pretend and lie to myself that everything is fine…

I know things are not fine now….

and I think that they will never be exactly like we want…

but how they meant to be…

 

 

Aside

no regrets

Hi,

 

Hope you are fine and in good health

Lately I have been having difficulties with Neha…

She was keeping things from me….

I did everything I could…

But now she is all tragic…..

her family is arranging her marriage…

and though she has never met that person… she is willing to marry him…

which leaves me in a situation where I feel unwanted….

I think I should take a step back here….

I clarified everything….

I wanted things to work out between us…

I told her everything…. I was even willing to make a commitment….

but I think she took that as something forsaken….

and I can’t make it work all alone…

she has to put some efforts too…

and if she is not willing to put efforts now…

it would get very hard later on…

I have no regrets….

I would be able to bear this though….

I have been through worse… it is nothing compared to that….

and I feel stronger…. Its in the hand of universe now…

It brought us together… It will separate us…

and practically I have nothing to loose….

I have a better job now… I have a caring family….

House has been rebuilt…..

I have been working out…. I am in good shape now…

the work environment in my new office is good…

manager and supervisors are supportive….

and the work and life balance is good….

its just a small thing I would get over with it….

My happiness is not dependent on anybody….

I feel light… and my heart is at peace….

last time I was through all this…. It felt heavy….

I was almost devastated and depressed…..

and as they say… what does not kills you makes you strong…

all I can say for now is she would regret it….

she gave me some sleepless nights tough…

and headache as well…

I am emotionally a little drained as of now…

but this will get better with time….

as everything else is getting better….

I would be over this soon…

 

 

 

Aside

Almost lost

Hi,

 

Hope you all are doing great….

I am not feeling relaxed now a days….

my head seems to be spinning….. this feeling is different…..

Everything is going good…. I have a better job….I am learning too….

but Neha is getting into my mind…. at first it started casually….

but now the things are changing between us….

she makes me feel special…. she cooks for me sometimes….

we talk a lot… she sends good morning wishes….

I reply instantaneously…. I keep on waiting for her messages….

and when I keep on waiting… I am not able to concentrate on anything…..

and that’s a cause of concern for me….

she says that I should ignore her…. I told her to do it for me….

she ignored me yesterday…. not a single message…. no good morning wish….

I kept on waiting… I was not feeling good about it…. but I did not took a step forward and contacted her….

in the night around 2000… I got a text from her… asking me about how I was…..

I replied that I am fine and asked her how she was….

By this time I was a little drunk…. I had some beer….

after some time she said I am behaving differently….. and what is it…..

I did not replied for some time…… then she sent another message….

I asked her to describe her feelings when she did not receive a reply…..

she said she felt bad… I told her that’s how I feel when she does not replies to my messages….

and then after some time the situation kept getting worse…..

now she is not sending me any messages at all…..

and yup I miss her…. miss her real bad….

wish I could go back in time and change this….

I wish it to be resolved…. and be back on track….

It was going great… It was going smooth…..

and now these jerks are making me tense…. I feel addicted….

and the worst part is… it seems that i am the one who is doing all the work…..

I get all worked up… physically… mentally…

no peace of mind is left….. and I don’t want mood swings to hamper my career and personal relations….

she keeps on showing tantrums and fits… she is mostly obtuse of my views….. I have to keep on asking again and again…..

and she still doesn’t replies…. or replies well….. I feel taken for granted…..

and that is what is hurting me……

but I want this misunderstanding to be cleared….

and I would have to leave my ego behind for that…..

and I did exactly the same… I kept on asking till she did not opened up…..

finally she said she needs some space….

I think we should take a break…

she is still in touch with her ex….

and I feel insecure…. and I have to overcome that too….

I want to live free….. but this situation is making me worked out mentally…..

there is a lot going on in my life right now…. and I am loosing focus on what to keep and what to discard…

hope I could get any medicine for focus…..

she is driving me crazy….

and this is the worst feeling I have got… in years….

and I want to get over with it desperately…..

its ruining me I think…. I am not myself anymore….

but I want her too… she has done good for me in the past….

what should I do… leave her and move on….

or keep on working to get this working in hope of a better tomorrow with her….

 

Aside

happy ever after

Hi,

hope you all read this in good health…..and keeping well…..

things are seem to be working out for me now a days……

got a job….got someone that makes me happy…..a loving family……awesome friends……

I got up today early……actually I was not able to sleep………

had a nightmare……it made me think…….

I have never had things working out for me like this before…….and it is making me insecure…..

there are times when we feel insecure…….we don’t want to lose anything…..

there are times…..good times and the bad times…..

the unchanging truth and the best part of good or bad time is that it changes……

we don’t know exactly when and how it will change…..but it will change for sure….

and when it changes…..we don’t want to regret anything…..

anything that we have done in good times maybe knowingly or unknowingly…..that might have hurt others……

death is the only reality……and it is certain for sure…..

it takes a moment to ruin everything……and a lifetime to rebuild…..

we would never want that moment to come…..and that’s what I fear now…..and I want to get over with this feeling…..

we all go through so much during our lifetimes……that during good times……we are afraid of our happiness….

as these are the times we make mistakes……that leave a misery and regret behind…..

well I think it would not be the situation if we just keep on doing things as if it were the last day……that we might not ever see a tomorrow…..

we would definitely think multiple times before we hurt someone…..as we would not want to be remembered as someone who said or did wrong….

the point is how to be happy all the time……how to get over with this feeling……

how to be carefree……and alive……

there must be some way to shut these feelings and emotions that might come in the way of happiness…..

as happiness fetches more happiness……

how to be happy ever after……

 

 

 

 

Aside

high water mark

Hi,

 

Thank you everyone for your fabulous support……..I feel humble……..

hope you all read this in good health……..

have been busy these days….got a new job finally….

classes are going well too……and there are other positive happenings in my life…..

today I was thinking about…..why do we never care about things we get easily…..

anything that is available easily would be taken for granted……and something that keeps on dragging us behind them are the ones that we crave for….

like owning an old house……we would hardly care for it…….except for occasional paint work and repairs…..

but when it is sold or demolished……..and then we have to move on……we would remember all the times we have spent in it…….

memories would haunt us…….we would think about that it could have been saved…..

I think it is a basic human tendency……give something too easy…….no one would care about it……

make them work for it…….they would crave for it……..

sometimes there are moments we give away things easy…..and then those are taken for granted….

like most of us must have lent a book……give them away easy and see the condition in which you receive them back…..

It is mostly some rare times when we get them back wholesome…..or properly cared…..

so I think its better to be painted aloof…..then to be taken for granted…..

its better to considered as someone who is careless……then to care and then get nothing in return except hurt…..

life gets so much easier when we live free…..free from the vague burden that we take…….the burden we keep on accumulating from undeserving people……

I am not saying that I am perfect and whatever I think is correct…….but yes it works for me…..

If anyone has a better theory…..please let me know…….all the good things that we read…….hardly works in reality…….

reality is a whole new picture…..with a unimaginable perspective……

when we are most relaxed…….we are most close to being run over…..

reality is harsh and bitter……..which sometimes tastes sweet……..just like beer I think…..

and yes there are times we get frustrated…….we get fed-up……and these times are mostly when we are near the destination……

so its up to us to take some more and move in the same direction……or to leave it behind and head into another direction…..

I think for now I will take some more……but yes the high water mark is near too….

 

 

 

 

 

Aside

attention is the killer

Hi,

How have you all been……..hope you all are doing well………

I got a new job offer finally………and the work location would be nearby my home too……

and it would be nearby my old office as well……..so that I sometimes might visit my friends……or sometimes they might come over…….

the classes are going well…….and I am again legging behind………hope to catch up over the weekend…….

today I was thinking about the attention a person should be awarded……..I was thinking about……..how to decide the quantum of attention that a particular person deserves……..

because if we give someone more attention then they deserve………things don’t end up well……..and if the attention is too less…….again things can go bad…….

so coming back to this very word……”ATTENTION”…….as far as I know…….there can be a time constraint that we could put on this……..

but then again……..situations and scenarios would very drastically………attention given at an optimal time works best……….a little lag…….and the things may turn out differently….

like a spouse cooks dinner for his/her beloved……..and at the dinner table asks him/her……..how was the food……….

now they are obviously seeking attention at that very instance………trust me say something good at that precise moment…….and have a great time ahead……

miss that moment……..miss an opportunity……..

and again……give too much attention at that moment……….and the moment would be blown…….

so how can we decide……..”how much”……….of this word is required………

we all must have gone through situations……..situations that didn’t worked well…………

or situations that went miraculously well……..just because the perfect amount was delivered…..

a perfect amount of this word……..to the recipient……..at the precise moment……

so the perfect algorithm if I may say……would be having factors……..”how much” and “when”……..as far as I could think of…..

if you were able to figure this out…….please share your experiences……….It might help a lot of people…….Including me…….

and yes the after effects…….it would be great how to deal with them as well……..

like if we have done something stupid enough to screw up a situation by over or under utilization of attention…….how can we bounce back on the track and make amends………

I wish there were a manual for life…….

but I think together we could figure this out…….can’t we…….