An inference

Hi,

How are you all doing… hope great…

Its getting better now… I am finally over with neha…

I have blocked her in call settings… I have turned off chat for her in facebook….

I will block her soon in whatsapp as well… I know its my fault that I am letting her do it to me…

but she has been using too much of my energy on daily basis that… I am just exhausted…

I have not smiled fully in the past couple of days… I miss my broad smile…

I am awesome the way I am… and when I am happy… I see good things coming…

moreover she has been treating me as her emotional crutch…

I got to know that she has been talking to her ex…

I am okay with that… but she hides things from me…

and I don’t want to drag her along with me…

she talks to me about his ex and his words…

I have told her politely that I don’t like this…

I know its hard… but if she has to talk… she could…

but then she seeks my opinion… and she went on to the extent that…

she said that I should not dare to say anything about his ex…

in all this stupidity I am getting from her…

I feel dejected… distant…

and every time I see her I feel pity… and that is where I am getting back into this…

but now no more… I have not been doing the good things…

I have been giving very less time to studies… to writing… to myself…. even to my family…

she gets clingy… and then I have to talk because… I think if I would leave her alone…

she would get back to talking to her ex….

but now I am over the fear of loosing her…

I guess time to move on…. 

but this time I am clear in my mind….

I have been thinking about this for quite some time… but I was getting second thoughts…

but no more… I don’t want this fear to ruin whats good in me….

and anyhow… she has messed the trust I tried to establish…

today I gave time to myself… and I loved it….

I am writing…. I am dancing… I have my plans back into action….

I am feeling alive again… I think its not her fault… still…

but Its her decision to hang on… and I can’t suffer for something I have not done…

I have my sympathy with her… and I feel pity… but isn’t this being overambitious… 

keep me hanging at one end… and keep her ex at other… very convenient for her…

but not for both of us…

lets do some double addi… yo…

and yes it feels good now… she was giving me negative vibes for quite some time…

and it just did not felt right with her… while she was doing all this…

it took some time for me to reach to this decision… I was dicey at first because…

I was comparing the good and bad things she had done for me….

but then I realized… if I keep on doing this comparison… I will not reach to any conclusion…

so I am going with what seems right at the present moment… 

I do great when I have no fear… 

I tried to talk… but she would not listen to me…

I did everything I could… so finally…

back to my awesome self… lets see what life has in store for me…

I am going with what gets me my smile back….

life is awesome… I will enjoy it…

I can’t just sit back and keep on mourning for that overambitious person…

 

 

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Seeker

Hi,

 

Hope you read this in good health..

Today I am wondering… why is there so much emotional drama in our lives….

we see animals… they don’t crib… they don’t complain…

why us humans… is it because of the language…

that it gives us words… that we can use to express…

but I have felt that… words do not describe feelings and emotions exactly….

and if they do… sometimes they are so complicated to understand… that there always lies ambiguity…

well I am still wondering… and random thoughts are coming in…

why do we seek success… why do we seek paramount amounts of money…

why is there this common belief that… if we are rich… we would be happy…

I have seen poor smile broader and wider then rich…

contradictory…

why do we keep seeking a better tomorrow..

when we don’t make the slightest effort today…

and the question next comes to my mind is… what purpose would that better tomorrow serve…

I mean… how will it make a difference…

like if you are living your better tomorrow… what difference do you find in it…

how has it made you and your life better…

what did you achieved by putting efforts… what difference have you made…

is this all metaphoric or philosophical… or does it has any practicality…

anyhow… coming back to life… I really feel I am being drained again by her…

she just takes too much of my energy… and she goes inconsiderate…

I have been through this again and again… and I have somehow managed two months with her…

she refuses to go out with me… drags her friends along… which I don’t like…

she never said she loves me…

but should I am not yet ditached from her completely…

she still shows care… her actions speak a whole different story…

in this confusion between her actions and words… I am not making any decisions..

I decide something and then something happens… which gives me second thoughts…

anyhow I have been socializing… lets see where I land now…

she would regret some day for sure… and thats none of my concern…

I have enjoy the work-environment of my new office..

and I think its a place where I would grow…

anyhow… growth is a lifelong process…

lets see where I end…