go with reality, not with words

Hi everyone… have a great life…

I have been going with the flow…

I imagine myself to be a river flowing in the mountains…

splashing on rocks…

some I am able to overcome.. drown…

Others are there till they get smooth…

These rocks are the facts that I have to deal with…

And being the flowing river… I am always moving…

I realize that the more I am occupied with everything…

I devote less time writing..

why is it that I am unable to understand what is happening with me most of the times…

I am failing to understand… or maybe I am blindfolded…

I tried my best to overcome my attachment with Neha…

but yet I am still attached…

I just don’t want to think about all this… but yet it comes to my mind…

I did everything I could to possible remove her from my life…

but yet she came back…

she came back and promised to overcome and change…

she said she wants to improve…

she said she wants to be a better person…

I knew I might be caught up in the same situation…

where at one end is her Ex she is not able to overcome…

and at one end I…

we talked about it… I told her I don’t want all this emotional hurt…

she was really good for almost two weeks…

but then I was able to see the cracks….

we were having a random conversation… and she mentioned it all over again…

she just blurted out…

once she said… I don’t want to cheat on you…

I did not reacted to that…

then she said that she is talking to me because her ex is not online…

like I asked her to talk to me….

I ended all communication with her…

but she tried… she apologized….

and then this….

I feel so stupid to allow all this to happen to me….

but I miss the love and affection she showed…

if I compare both… I think the hurt was more…

but why do I still want her…

well actually… she I think she is manipulating me…

after everything… I met her once because she almost begged….

we exchanged greetings… and it was my birthday the next day….

I did not said anything… but then she tried to get the conversation going…

I felt so dejected… but I did not wanted a scene…

and I was feeling a bit tired too…

so I sat down and started looking into my phone…

then she started coming closer…

and brought this gift out of her bag…

I simply asked her why… and refused to take it…

I didn’t wanted any obligations…

after all that has happened…

and I didn’t wanted to give her any more reasons to meet me…

so I took off and started moving…

she followed…

she pushed me to a wall… and just hugged me…

everyone was watching… in India its not an usual sight…

me being stupid allowed it… I wanted to resist… but I could not…

and we were standing there for I guess one minute…

I finally pushed her away… but she didn’t wanted to move away…

and then she pleaded… please take this gift… for her happiness…

I couldn’t say no then…

I wish now I had….

because after all this…

she is still the same…

and I am fed up… she is not committing…

she never said that she likes me… or loves me…

she still talks to her ex boyfriend… maybe meets him too…

she always told me that there are no feelings from her side…

and all this that I see… anyone can tell she is desperate…

she is a stalker too… she reads my comments and updates on facebook…

I have never been into a situation like this…

the worst thing she does to me is… she sometimes say that she does not want to cheat on me….

why would she say that… she never committed…

I mind has stopped paying attention to her…

I realize that I do not notice her even…

I don’t want to be a victim of this emotional game anymore…

I even tried being rude…

I told her that I want casual sex… and nothing else…

but she would not budge…

why in the whole world I felt pray to this psychopath…

she changed my perception for girls in a whole different way…

after my first breakup… i was  devastated…

but this… I can’t even call it a breakup…

It is just plain crap… If i go by karma…

I must have done something terribly wrong to deal with all this…

but now no more… and I just want to put a check on me…

so that I don’t fall prey… like I felt a day before my birthday…

have so much to deal with…

my plate is almost overflowing…

may I take practical and wise decisions..

rather than falling prey to emotions.

 

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Possibilities and Perception

Hi,

Hope you all are doing great and achieving greatness..

I slightly deviated from the track recently…

I have missed classes too…

Reason being her… as I did not wanted to confront her….

I did not attended classes for a week….

I just could not make it… I felt drained of energy…

Then I went went back to review…

My body is feeling this because I am not eating well… sleeping well…

Yup… She effects me emotionally…

But… If I keep on eating good…

Hang out with good people…

Be happy…

My emotional aspects are taken care off…

But the diet and sleep part is something.. I have to maintain for myself….

Its all interrelated…. isn’t it…

Like two sides of a coin…

And the irony is eventually it will flip…. no matter what…

Because no matter what I do…. something or the other will start a chain of thoughts….

So either I can let it affect me… or I can just consider it to be a negligible part in my equation….

and rather focus on the main equation….

throw the coin away

And throw it away…

She did things for me… and then she stopped doing them….

She made me habitual of certain things…. then she made me change my habits…

I was actually not reviewing… what I needed…. and what she has to offer…

I am implementing certain changes…. lets see how they go….

And when I talk to different people… I realize their perception about them differ…

It depends on my behavior….

How I act in front of them…

If I am feeling euphoric some day…. and met someone…

they are going to remember me like that…

If I am feeling sad… they will remember to be a brooding person….

or maybe confused…

Yeah… past week made people think that….

I realized that they thought me to be confused… lost….

and yes I was… but this will eventually affect me…

the more active, spontaneous, alive, the better I get…

And the more I am lost in thinking about the things that I cannot deal with….

The worse I get…. passive….

and I think no one likes to be like that….

I think I would have to think about this…

A way to get over this too…

A way to channel all thoughts and energy at the things at hand….

but the question is HOW?

We cannot restrict our thoughts…

so that is not an option…

But I think with practice…. we can channel our thoughts too…

I think if I am able to understand the reason… I would be able to channel my thoughts….

and that is where I get stuck…

firstly… to understand how I feel… the exact feeling…. and that takes up a lot of efforts…

getting over this part is the most cumbersome task….

then why I am feeling like that….

and then some workaround… that may fail too….

taking me back to Initial stage again….

Well… why I see circles in everything now a days….

maybe my perception is not accurate….

It is a possibility too…

 

 

 

 

Me again

Hi,

I think you are doing great…

I have been over Neha recently…

now I am doing better…

and I realized that when someone has nothing to lose…

the pleasure in attempting things…

the independence is intoxicating…

it gives a euphoria…

a feeling I wish you all to experience someday…

I feel great in terms of mental peace…

I am able to focus again on things at hand…

I after a long time found myself reading again…

I was able to concentrate…

I don’t blame her for over-thinking….

It was me… I was too much involved mentally with her…

I have told her everything…  and that too… over and over again…

but she still refuses…

So its time to pack bags… and look out…

I have been busy lately… classes… office….

and her… it all kept me excessively busy…

I was hardly getting time to spend with myself….

And as a result… I was accepting everything…

without questioning… because I was not taking time to think…

now I will… I will think a little and then answer her…

maybe that would happen never….

if she wants to talk… she would approach…

I would not make the slightest move now….

I have a plan… and I have to work on that…

I have realized that whenever I get too involved…

I don’t think about other things… and I stop taking time out for myself…

I gave her books back…

Guess what…

Enough about her already….

I met my friends last weekend….

It was awesome….

They came to pick me up at 5 AM in the morning…

and we went on for a ride….

we shared… we smiled…. we enjoyed….

And the best part was…. I needed it… and it was a surprise…

I spent a whole day without talking to her….

I realized that she has been treating me badly….

When I compare the way a person treats or talks to me to the way she talks or treats me….

I realize I should not have entertained her so much….

It felt nice to be me again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

An inference

Hi,

How are you all doing… hope great…

Its getting better now… I am finally over with neha…

I have blocked her in call settings… I have turned off chat for her in facebook….

I will block her soon in whatsapp as well… I know its my fault that I am letting her do it to me…

but she has been using too much of my energy on daily basis that… I am just exhausted…

I have not smiled fully in the past couple of days… I miss my broad smile…

I am awesome the way I am… and when I am happy… I see good things coming…

moreover she has been treating me as her emotional crutch…

I got to know that she has been talking to her ex…

I am okay with that… but she hides things from me…

and I don’t want to drag her along with me…

she talks to me about his ex and his words…

I have told her politely that I don’t like this…

I know its hard… but if she has to talk… she could…

but then she seeks my opinion… and she went on to the extent that…

she said that I should not dare to say anything about his ex…

in all this stupidity I am getting from her…

I feel dejected… distant…

and every time I see her I feel pity… and that is where I am getting back into this…

but now no more… I have not been doing the good things…

I have been giving very less time to studies… to writing… to myself…. even to my family…

she gets clingy… and then I have to talk because… I think if I would leave her alone…

she would get back to talking to her ex….

but now I am over the fear of loosing her…

I guess time to move on…. 

but this time I am clear in my mind….

I have been thinking about this for quite some time… but I was getting second thoughts…

but no more… I don’t want this fear to ruin whats good in me….

and anyhow… she has messed the trust I tried to establish…

today I gave time to myself… and I loved it….

I am writing…. I am dancing… I have my plans back into action….

I am feeling alive again… I think its not her fault… still…

but Its her decision to hang on… and I can’t suffer for something I have not done…

I have my sympathy with her… and I feel pity… but isn’t this being overambitious… 

keep me hanging at one end… and keep her ex at other… very convenient for her…

but not for both of us…

lets do some double addi… yo…

and yes it feels good now… she was giving me negative vibes for quite some time…

and it just did not felt right with her… while she was doing all this…

it took some time for me to reach to this decision… I was dicey at first because…

I was comparing the good and bad things she had done for me….

but then I realized… if I keep on doing this comparison… I will not reach to any conclusion…

so I am going with what seems right at the present moment… 

I do great when I have no fear… 

I tried to talk… but she would not listen to me…

I did everything I could… so finally…

back to my awesome self… lets see what life has in store for me…

I am going with what gets me my smile back….

life is awesome… I will enjoy it…

I can’t just sit back and keep on mourning for that overambitious person…

 

 

Nothing to lose, no regrets!

Hi,

Hope you all read this in good health..

Today I feel like shouting…

but it would seem to be insane… as I am presently at my desk in my office…

and I don’t understand the way I feel…

I think that I have fear of losing Neha…

but then I have nothing to lose…

because there was never any compulsion from me on her…

I did my best to never restrict her… I did my best to never impose anything…

she had freedom to take her decisions… I always gave my opinion…

but the final decision about her were always her’s…

I am glad for everything she had done for me…

and I have told her that too…

I have never been so open…

lets me recall today…

I sent her a good morning wish…

she responded and called me to wake me up… so that I don’t miss my classes…

I am thankful… and I reached the class on time…

I did not sit with her…

then after class I realized she has some red patches coming on her face…

she has some allergy and they keep coming back…

I pointed those patches to her… and she held my hand against her cheek for a while…

now this melts me… really…

and her cheeks were going all red…

and today her tone was very affectionate too…

she asked me to eat lunch…

but as soon as we started eating… she said she does not want to eat…

and put her head on her hands on the table…

I kept asking whats the issue…

and kissed her hand….

she did not told me anything…

and started crying…

I tried to console her…

I kept on asking what the issue was… she did not budge…

I brought her some water to drink.. and then we left the institute…

I dropped her a text to call me as soon as she reaches her home… to make sure she was okey…

she did not called… so I called her…

there was no response….

I dropped a text again… and there was no response…

In the evening when I called her phone was out of reach… I think she has blocked me…

but I am not sure… and she did not came online as well…

she comes online daily… on facebook for me I think….

but its two days now and she is not coming online…

I am over the insecurity now… and I am over with the feeling of loosing her as well…

but the feeling of loneliness is there… she used to keep me company…

she used to keep me occupied…

but now she does not want to do that…

I will respect that… I will respect her decision…

so I told her everything I felt… again…

as my heart felt heavy…

I thank her for everything she did… and now I am feeling content…

this action gave me good vibe… and i have set her free again…

and in this… I feel free myself…

as I have got nothing to lose now…

no regrets…

only wishes and dreams…

nothing kept inside..

It would be her wish now…

Yes I would miss her… and I would keep hope…

 

 

Seeker

Hi,

 

Hope you read this in good health..

Today I am wondering… why is there so much emotional drama in our lives….

we see animals… they don’t crib… they don’t complain…

why us humans… is it because of the language…

that it gives us words… that we can use to express…

but I have felt that… words do not describe feelings and emotions exactly….

and if they do… sometimes they are so complicated to understand… that there always lies ambiguity…

well I am still wondering… and random thoughts are coming in…

why do we seek success… why do we seek paramount amounts of money…

why is there this common belief that… if we are rich… we would be happy…

I have seen poor smile broader and wider then rich…

contradictory…

why do we keep seeking a better tomorrow..

when we don’t make the slightest effort today…

and the question next comes to my mind is… what purpose would that better tomorrow serve…

I mean… how will it make a difference…

like if you are living your better tomorrow… what difference do you find in it…

how has it made you and your life better…

what did you achieved by putting efforts… what difference have you made…

is this all metaphoric or philosophical… or does it has any practicality…

anyhow… coming back to life… I really feel I am being drained again by her…

she just takes too much of my energy… and she goes inconsiderate…

I have been through this again and again… and I have somehow managed two months with her…

she refuses to go out with me… drags her friends along… which I don’t like…

she never said she loves me…

but should I am not yet ditached from her completely…

she still shows care… her actions speak a whole different story…

in this confusion between her actions and words… I am not making any decisions..

I decide something and then something happens… which gives me second thoughts…

anyhow I have been socializing… lets see where I land now…

she would regret some day for sure… and thats none of my concern…

I have enjoy the work-environment of my new office..

and I think its a place where I would grow…

anyhow… growth is a lifelong process…

lets see where I end…

 

 

 

enjoying the way

Hi,

 

Thank you for your love and support…

I have been getting over Neha since my last post…

and I am doing good now…

She is not on my mind all the time…

like she used to be always… 

I can concentrate on things at hand.. and work…

Yes we are still talking… 

but there is a slight distance.. that i have maintained…

I don’t want to smother her with affection… 

I don’t think about future… anymore…

I am living in present again… and I am over the feeling of loosing her as well…

and now it feels awesome… 

I realized she is not a thing… that I could say is mine…

she is a living being… has her own ways…

has her own beliefs… 

I liked her the way she was… If i try to posses her…

she has to mend her ways as per my wishes… unwillingly…

and forced changes do not bring any good with them…

as they are not accepted… 

so is the case with me as well…

Thanks to a recent gem added to my friends list Piyush…

he made me understand this…

we recently had our new hire party in office…

and it was a success…

everyone loved it…

there was something for everyone…

and everyone seemed full…

they enjoyed it… and finally welcomed me and Piyush to the team…

I loved it too..

So life is back on track again…. and if death is the next thing coming…

i would be able to face it in the eye… till it looks down with regrets….

but I still need to put some more efforts into the course material…

I have been legging behind for some time now…

I am passionate about these classes….

and I have been doing good…

but these bumps in the road had some impact on it…

now the ride is going a bit smooth… till the next bump…

and I should not wait for it…

I should make preparations now…

and I have no regrets fro life… 😀

I did what I could do… 

to the best of my abilities…

and I would keep on doing that….

till I live…

Yes I am drunk while I am writing this post…

It had been quite some time.. I did not spent time with myself…

and today i am all to myself… listening to pink floyd… and writing my feelings…

I realized that when I write down I get a better perception of my life..

one from my perspective… and from your perspectives as well…

makes me think before making decisions…

makes me formulate a plan of action that is better…

workable and effective…

rest is fate…

I am not afraid to fail… because every time I fail… I fail better…

I feel better… because.. I did what I could do… rather than not doing anything at all…

makes me happy inside… even if did not achieve anything…

the satisfaction of “at least I tried” weighs more than the achievement…

it makes us humble as well…

though I have no special achievements…

but I am hopeful….

lets see what universe has planned for me…

I am just enjoying the journey…