An inference

Hi,

How are you all doing… hope great…

Its getting better now… I am finally over with neha…

I have blocked her in call settings… I have turned off chat for her in facebook….

I will block her soon in whatsapp as well… I know its my fault that I am letting her do it to me…

but she has been using too much of my energy on daily basis that… I am just exhausted…

I have not smiled fully in the past couple of days… I miss my broad smile…

I am awesome the way I am… and when I am happy… I see good things coming…

moreover she has been treating me as her emotional crutch…

I got to know that she has been talking to her ex…

I am okay with that… but she hides things from me…

and I don’t want to drag her along with me…

she talks to me about his ex and his words…

I have told her politely that I don’t like this…

I know its hard… but if she has to talk… she could…

but then she seeks my opinion… and she went on to the extent that…

she said that I should not dare to say anything about his ex…

in all this stupidity I am getting from her…

I feel dejected… distant…

and every time I see her I feel pity… and that is where I am getting back into this…

but now no more… I have not been doing the good things…

I have been giving very less time to studies… to writing… to myself…. even to my family…

she gets clingy… and then I have to talk because… I think if I would leave her alone…

she would get back to talking to her ex….

but now I am over the fear of loosing her…

I guess time to move on…. 

but this time I am clear in my mind….

I have been thinking about this for quite some time… but I was getting second thoughts…

but no more… I don’t want this fear to ruin whats good in me….

and anyhow… she has messed the trust I tried to establish…

today I gave time to myself… and I loved it….

I am writing…. I am dancing… I have my plans back into action….

I am feeling alive again… I think its not her fault… still…

but Its her decision to hang on… and I can’t suffer for something I have not done…

I have my sympathy with her… and I feel pity… but isn’t this being overambitious… 

keep me hanging at one end… and keep her ex at other… very convenient for her…

but not for both of us…

lets do some double addi… yo…

and yes it feels good now… she was giving me negative vibes for quite some time…

and it just did not felt right with her… while she was doing all this…

it took some time for me to reach to this decision… I was dicey at first because…

I was comparing the good and bad things she had done for me….

but then I realized… if I keep on doing this comparison… I will not reach to any conclusion…

so I am going with what seems right at the present moment… 

I do great when I have no fear… 

I tried to talk… but she would not listen to me…

I did everything I could… so finally…

back to my awesome self… lets see what life has in store for me…

I am going with what gets me my smile back….

life is awesome… I will enjoy it…

I can’t just sit back and keep on mourning for that overambitious person…

 

 

Moving on

Hi,

 

I have not been writing much these days…. I realized this…

I was so much occupied with Neha that I have not given time to myself….. and the things I love to do…

But, now that I have realized that….

I guess I need to give myself some time…

She drained me emotionally…. always doing something or the other….

she was taking me for-granted…

I told her that upfront… that she should stop doing this…..

yesterday we had a conversation… she was talking to me like I am someone begging to be with her…

She was sick… she has some sort of allergy… and due to which she has some swelling…

I was asking her about her well being… and I did my best to be nice to her…

but she did it… and I realized I have had enough…

She does not even care to resolve this… and it is not my responsibility always to resolve differences…

I know this sounds like I don’t care about her and I am being a jerk….

but, try my shoes for one day…. and get to know… what I go through…

You would understand… anyhow… we are not talking as of now…. and I already feel good about it….

the time she used to take away from me… I think I would devote that to better things….

I have been working out… but it was on and off…

with less things to think about… I would devote my time to myself….

writing is going on with its own sweet pace… and I am improving… and the kind of love and support I get from you all….

motivates me a lot… and I would keep on doing it… and improve…

I wish someday I would be able to publish something as well…

till then sharing is perfect… and learning… I see great posts from people… Cari.. has a great blog…

I learn a lot from her…

I wanted the things between me and Neha to work out…

and I did what I could…

but I think its for the better… at first it was euphoric…

it gave me strength… I felt so much love and energy….

but then things did not went well….

and now we talk less and fight more…

I give you an example… I did not had dinner yesterday…

there was a lot of work… but I still managed to ask her about her well being….

but she was behaving as if I am clinging on to her…

I told her what I felt… and she said what can i do about it… its not her concern….

now.. even if I neglect it… she has been talking like this with me from past one week or so…..

Love is in its place… but how could I compromise with self respect…..

even if she does not feel anything about me… the least anyone could do is show compassion…

at least talk nicely…

I wanted things to fade nicely… but now it was not that good…

Call it universe or God… it has its own plan and ways…

I will go with the flow… and concentrate on what is Important for my happiness…

I realized I cannot make other people happy… till I am happy myself…

I have not sketched in a while… I want to start painting now… lets make a step towards painting today 🙂kapil potrait cross process

have a great time ahead!

 

 

 

Aside

In the end

Hi,

As days are going by………as the time here in my present office is about to end………….I am getting a better picture of the world………..a crystal clear view…………I think if not all………..a lot many of them…………

my colleagues will miss my presence………….they keep on asking me everyday when my last day would be………….or perhaps they are very elated by the fact that I would be gone………….whatever the case……….its time to move on……….

its time to devote my energies to one thing………..so that they are concentrated………… whether I get a job now or not…………the thought does not bothers me much…………..as a family we are above the survival mark……………

money though is not flowing in……in abundance…………but is enough to keep us alive…………to buy food and basic necessities………….I just want to keep my composure on the final day………….may god gives me the courage………..

as a matter of fact I am not a emotional person…………..but yes sometimes you can find me on the flip-side…………I just want this to be over with………….why does time feel flowing so slow these days………….

a new journey is about to begin…………I don’t know what my friends think about me…………..and I never cared as long as they are there with me…………….they have helped me……….they have motivated me…………guided me at times………….made me bounce back towards reality……………maybe in this lifetime I would be able to do something to repay all that…………..

maybe not………..who knows………..in my life the time I spent here was wonderful…………I was on the lowest of my mental and emotional side……………things that happened here taught me a lot…………

I grew……….grew strong…………as they say………….what does not kills you makes you strong………..it was one of the main reasons to start writing………..to keep memories alive…………..memories can slip mind sometimes………….and there are always versions…………..I just want to keep my version intact………..as my life becomes a canvas of the universal consciousness………….

I am listening to this ballad while I am letting my thoughts flow……….seamless like wind……….I wish to have done certain things differently in the past………..but I strongly feel that it would not have made a difference………..universe or life gives us…………what we truly deserve……….

if there is happiness………..its there for a reason……….if there are sorrows……….they have their own place……….as a friend of mine had a status once……….”change is the only constant”…………which is indeed very true……….as they say  poetic……… concise……yet precise……..we are never the same…………

we change………we evolve every single second………just give a thought to this……….are you the same person you were a week before……….so much has passed in this week……….you have learned so many new things……….met new people………did things you never did before………

I think if we consider every day as our last……….there would be huge difference in this world………and I feel that to be positive………..as no one wants to die doing bad things…………on his last day everyone wants to do something to be remembered for………….something good…..

if people have this thought in mind……….they would conquer mountains………….surpass their limits……….this thought came into my mind while reading about Steve Jobs………..I got a booklet from a management college………it had a comic about him………..and there I learned his success mantra…….

learning his mantra was one thing……… implementing it is a whole new plethora…………I have the theory now………..lets see how successfully I am able to implement it……..

because its about the journey………not about the destination………being a selfish human I would not settle down……….

 

Asusual

Hi,

 

Today was moderate………….not much energy………..it was like everyday……….woke up early……..then went back to my bed…………then an extended and relaxing sleep………..then I finally got up……….studied a little……….so that I don’t feel guilty that I am not doing anything………..soon my days in my present company would be over…………..9th of May would me my last working day………….over the past year……….so many memories would be staying with me all my life……….some good some great…………bad ones……….I forgot them already……..except some………they would take some time…….anyhow………I am feeling better……….my health is improving………..and now I would take no chances……….. until…….it is very essential……….had a good time in my office today………..friends I don’t understand why keep on mocking me all the time……….I guess they like the fact that I don’t get mad over silly things……….so they go full on crazy……….they would call me names…………and what not………I crack PJ’s on them…………and then they would say that………..He’s like this……..crazy and dumb………its no use to make him understand……………they even call me a retard…………and then we all laugh like crazy………..everyone likes our stupidity…………and wants to be a part of it…………..I have told all of them that I write a blog……..and I guess everyone has been here discretely………….and its good isn’t it………..I don’t have to say everything………..and all they have to read through all my crazy writing……………and understand what has been happening with me………..well the only thing that makes me feel a little bad is that…………..when they all say that…………soon you would be gone………who would be there to mock………..and I guess they are correct………..its because I don’t go crazy over what they say………they mock me and have so much fun together………….once I would be gone………they would continue doing this and yup……….someday or the other………someone would take it to his mind…………….and that’s where things are going to get bad……….and then some low days would go by…………but let’s not worry about the future now………..it will eventually resurface………and than I would deal with it accordingly………….I am still compiling the post that would contain the drafts……….that I saved for Upasana………..the idiotic things I did to share my feelings with her someday…………..but that day has never arrived till now………..so I will put them here……….maybe someday she would go through them……….maybe never……….who cares now……….I have a life to live……….and yes this song……saathi salaam by Sawan khan manganiyar and Clinton cerejo……..gives me goose bumps……listening to this while writing…….enjoy!