go with reality, not with words

Hi everyone… have a great life…

I have been going with the flow…

I imagine myself to be a river flowing in the mountains…

splashing on rocks…

some I am able to overcome.. drown…

Others are there till they get smooth…

These rocks are the facts that I have to deal with…

And being the flowing river… I am always moving…

I realize that the more I am occupied with everything…

I devote less time writing..

why is it that I am unable to understand what is happening with me most of the times…

I am failing to understand… or maybe I am blindfolded…

I tried my best to overcome my attachment with Neha…

but yet I am still attached…

I just don’t want to think about all this… but yet it comes to my mind…

I did everything I could to possible remove her from my life…

but yet she came back…

she came back and promised to overcome and change…

she said she wants to improve…

she said she wants to be a better person…

I knew I might be caught up in the same situation…

where at one end is her Ex she is not able to overcome…

and at one end I…

we talked about it… I told her I don’t want all this emotional hurt…

she was really good for almost two weeks…

but then I was able to see the cracks….

we were having a random conversation… and she mentioned it all over again…

she just blurted out…

once she said… I don’t want to cheat on you…

I did not reacted to that…

then she said that she is talking to me because her ex is not online…

like I asked her to talk to me….

I ended all communication with her…

but she tried… she apologized….

and then this….

I feel so stupid to allow all this to happen to me….

but I miss the love and affection she showed…

if I compare both… I think the hurt was more…

but why do I still want her…

well actually… she I think she is manipulating me…

after everything… I met her once because she almost begged….

we exchanged greetings… and it was my birthday the next day….

I did not said anything… but then she tried to get the conversation going…

I felt so dejected… but I did not wanted a scene…

and I was feeling a bit tired too…

so I sat down and started looking into my phone…

then she started coming closer…

and brought this gift out of her bag…

I simply asked her why… and refused to take it…

I didn’t wanted any obligations…

after all that has happened…

and I didn’t wanted to give her any more reasons to meet me…

so I took off and started moving…

she followed…

she pushed me to a wall… and just hugged me…

everyone was watching… in India its not an usual sight…

me being stupid allowed it… I wanted to resist… but I could not…

and we were standing there for I guess one minute…

I finally pushed her away… but she didn’t wanted to move away…

and then she pleaded… please take this gift… for her happiness…

I couldn’t say no then…

I wish now I had….

because after all this…

she is still the same…

and I am fed up… she is not committing…

she never said that she likes me… or loves me…

she still talks to her ex boyfriend… maybe meets him too…

she always told me that there are no feelings from her side…

and all this that I see… anyone can tell she is desperate…

she is a stalker too… she reads my comments and updates on facebook…

I have never been into a situation like this…

the worst thing she does to me is… she sometimes say that she does not want to cheat on me….

why would she say that… she never committed…

I mind has stopped paying attention to her…

I realize that I do not notice her even…

I don’t want to be a victim of this emotional game anymore…

I even tried being rude…

I told her that I want casual sex… and nothing else…

but she would not budge…

why in the whole world I felt pray to this psychopath…

she changed my perception for girls in a whole different way…

after my first breakup… i was  devastated…

but this… I can’t even call it a breakup…

It is just plain crap… If i go by karma…

I must have done something terribly wrong to deal with all this…

but now no more… and I just want to put a check on me…

so that I don’t fall prey… like I felt a day before my birthday…

have so much to deal with…

my plate is almost overflowing…

may I take practical and wise decisions..

rather than falling prey to emotions.

 

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Aside

things would be how they meant to be, not the way we want..

Hi,

 

Hope everything is going great in your lives…

I recently had a fight with Neha…

and since then she is not talking to me….

and it seems like it is all a fake fight she has put up with me….

she blocked me on whats app…

and then removed her display pic to confuse me…

presently I am unblocked…

she is not sending any good morning or good evening or good night wishes that she used to send earlier..

it all started after the meeting….

her parents are arranging her marriage…

and though I have told her everything…

she insists on going by the decision of her parents…

she told me that she does not wants to be an example for her juniors…

though when we talk I feel that it is not what she wants..

she is pretending to be rude to me…

I felt really bad when she did that..

she does not says “Hi” even…

I know nothing is instantanious…

but I think I have done my part…

I have told her that I am not backing out on any commitment…

and I would like to meet her parents too..

but she refuses…

So, everything seems to be stuck around her…

and I think she is occupying my mind alot…

I want to get my mind free of her…

and I think it is due to the fact I was very much occupied…..

occupied to make things work between us…

and forgot to live…

my friend advise me to move out of it…

as my part is done and over…

but I realize my mistake now…

she was after me because I was happy..

I gave importance to myself…

but now I was not respecting myself…

this whole post has showed me that she was so much on my mind all the time…

while I was not on hers…

she is able to focus on other things…

her studies… her family… her friends…

but I am not able to focus on the good things…

all I was doing was thinking about her and her issues….

that she doesn’t even want to deal with…

I think I should go with the flow and accept what is….

rather than pretend and lie to myself that everything is fine…

I know things are not fine now….

and I think that they will never be exactly like we want…

but how they meant to be…

 

 

Aside

high water mark

Hi,

 

Thank you everyone for your fabulous support……..I feel humble……..

hope you all read this in good health……..

have been busy these days….got a new job finally….

classes are going well too……and there are other positive happenings in my life…..

today I was thinking about…..why do we never care about things we get easily…..

anything that is available easily would be taken for granted……and something that keeps on dragging us behind them are the ones that we crave for….

like owning an old house……we would hardly care for it…….except for occasional paint work and repairs…..

but when it is sold or demolished……..and then we have to move on……we would remember all the times we have spent in it…….

memories would haunt us…….we would think about that it could have been saved…..

I think it is a basic human tendency……give something too easy…….no one would care about it……

make them work for it…….they would crave for it……..

sometimes there are moments we give away things easy…..and then those are taken for granted….

like most of us must have lent a book……give them away easy and see the condition in which you receive them back…..

It is mostly some rare times when we get them back wholesome…..or properly cared…..

so I think its better to be painted aloof…..then to be taken for granted…..

its better to considered as someone who is careless……then to care and then get nothing in return except hurt…..

life gets so much easier when we live free…..free from the vague burden that we take…….the burden we keep on accumulating from undeserving people……

I am not saying that I am perfect and whatever I think is correct…….but yes it works for me…..

If anyone has a better theory…..please let me know…….all the good things that we read…….hardly works in reality…….

reality is a whole new picture…..with a unimaginable perspective……

when we are most relaxed…….we are most close to being run over…..

reality is harsh and bitter……..which sometimes tastes sweet……..just like beer I think…..

and yes there are times we get frustrated…….we get fed-up……and these times are mostly when we are near the destination……

so its up to us to take some more and move in the same direction……or to leave it behind and head into another direction…..

I think for now I will take some more……but yes the high water mark is near too….

 

 

 

 

 

Aside

Unfriend

Hi,

I am not feeling well these days……….cough, cold, headache…………so its like I am on a high with medicines all the time………..they make me sleepy…………….and I get mood swings too…………I am fed up of the life I have at present……………screwed up social life………time constraints……..money constraints………yesterday I started to write down…………I thought I would finish writing a post for my blog………….but I end up saving it as a draft……….I appreciate the love and support of fellow bloggers………they motivate and encourage me to write……….today I thought about moving on………….from every crap I have been hanging on to………..like Upasana and her memories………….well they wont go………..but i can do things that would not remind me of her………..so I deleted her from my facebook account………….and some stupid assholes like Dushyant and…………the crazy bitch Shaifalee…………she didn’t responded to my holi wishes even…………so these people are deleted………..now I will be reminded about the less and it would be easier for me to move on and think about better things……………..I would concentrate on my career and finances……………I would be able to devote better time to my family………..and of course……….I would write more………….

Happiness…

Image

 

I have been listening to the song Krewella- human on repeat…….I have now left everything in the hands of god……..lets see where he takes me……….I have worried a lot…..had sleepless nights……….had feelings of not being worth anything……….felt low and depressed…..but now I want to move on…….move on solid…….grow as a person…….as a human being……..take finances and career in consideration………work on them and grow……lets see what he has in store for me…….I want to fall in love again…….fall to rise…..rise in my own eyes…….have been surrounded by mean and ungrateful people……..but lets see where life takes me…….past would haunt me for sure……..but I want to look at it in the eyes and look at it till it looks down……….this week would be a little busy……..have a lot of webinars to attend……..want to work on the ideas that have been in my mind for a while now……..and yes here are the lyrics and video of that song……..love the song hope you like it too…..and maybe like me too.

 

 

Is anybody there, 
Does anybody care 
What I’m feeling? 
I wanna disappear so nobody can hear me when I’m screamin’ 
Cus I could use a hand sometimes 
Yeah I could use a hand sometimes 
They say pain is an illusion 
This is just a bruise and 
You are just confused but 
I am only human 
I could use a hand sometimes 
I am only human (3x) 

The night is bitter cold 
I wonder if you know 
That I’m sleepless 
Waitin’ like a ghost 
When I need you the most 
That go unnoticed 
Cus I could use a hand sometimes 
Yeah I could use a hand sometimes 
They say pain is an illusion 
This is just a bruise and 
You are just confused but 
I am only human 
I could use a hand sometimes 
I am only human (2x) 

The weight of the world is pullin’ me down 
(Where are you now, where are you now) 
Every breathe feels like I’m gonna drown 
(Where are you now, where are you now) 
I’m the only one left to hold on oh 
Singin’ this song but can’t find the words 
Cus I could use a hand sometimes 
Yeah I could use a hand sometimes 
They say pain is an illusion 
This is just a bruise and 
You are just confused but 
I am only human