Hangover

Hi,

 

Hope you all are doing great in your life..

There have been loads of changes happening around in my life…

and i guess I am not doing great….

but I am not doing bad either…

I got a legal notice from my previous organisation for sharing….

well I think It must have did them some damage…

So, I have removed those posts…

Rahul bro. see I listen to you….

Hope that satisfies them…

But it made me feel I am being heard…

Neha is behaving in a bizarre way…

She just keeps on asking “hw r u? ?”

I told her many times I am fine and getting better…

But, she just don’t want to understand…

So, I asked her why is it… That she is showing concern for me….

she said “just like that”…

now that’s not a reason…

and I have been noticing her…. stalking me on facebook….

I go to office in the night now a days…

it is a 24 x 7 environment…

and she comes online exactly at the beginning of my shift…

she knows I would log in to facebook to check my updates…

and I see her online all the time…. but hardly a like or any post….

So, what I did was… switching chat offline for her…

so that she does not get to know that I am online….

it went on for two or three days…

and viola… there was her message…

I did not replied instantaneously… I took my own sweet time to reply…

thanks to the advice of Abhishek kirar…

and she went crazy… she called me…

she has been updating her status on whats app for me…

which I feel is very kiddish… but it makes me smile… at the same time…

I don’t understand her behavior… and what is she up to…

at one hand she says she wants to have an arrange marriage…

and she met the guy too…

and on the other she is doing all this…

I think this will only hurt me later…

she would marry and move on…

and I would be left with all these emotions inside me… that I have been suppressing….

she hardly makes a move to meet me…. nor did she ever said that she loves me ever….

it has been 3 weeks now… we have not met anywhere else…

but only in classes…

I got my timings changed too…. so that we don’t bump into each other…

but I was not able to cope up…

I feel drained….

she used to wish me good morning and evening and good night….

but not anymore….

its been 12 to 13 days of those messages not being there…

those messages used to make me feel energetic…

that someone is thinking about me all the time….

and I used to get this euphoria by just thinking about it….

well… that’s not it… she does not tells me anything… nothing about herself…

but just keep asking questions from me…

so, I hardly feel like replying…

but I feel bad to see unanswered messages…

so, I still reply to her…

I just want a clear reply…

and every time time I have asked her… she has refused…

but kept on doing all this too….

I think I should just ignore her more….

without telling her….

any advice in this regard would be highly appreciated….

Aside

no regrets

Hi,

 

Hope you are fine and in good health

Lately I have been having difficulties with Neha…

She was keeping things from me….

I did everything I could…

But now she is all tragic…..

her family is arranging her marriage…

and though she has never met that person… she is willing to marry him…

which leaves me in a situation where I feel unwanted….

I think I should take a step back here….

I clarified everything….

I wanted things to work out between us…

I told her everything…. I was even willing to make a commitment….

but I think she took that as something forsaken….

and I can’t make it work all alone…

she has to put some efforts too…

and if she is not willing to put efforts now…

it would get very hard later on…

I have no regrets….

I would be able to bear this though….

I have been through worse… it is nothing compared to that….

and I feel stronger…. Its in the hand of universe now…

It brought us together… It will separate us…

and practically I have nothing to loose….

I have a better job now… I have a caring family….

House has been rebuilt…..

I have been working out…. I am in good shape now…

the work environment in my new office is good…

manager and supervisors are supportive….

and the work and life balance is good….

its just a small thing I would get over with it….

My happiness is not dependent on anybody….

I feel light… and my heart is at peace….

last time I was through all this…. It felt heavy….

I was almost devastated and depressed…..

and as they say… what does not kills you makes you strong…

all I can say for now is she would regret it….

she gave me some sleepless nights tough…

and headache as well…

I am emotionally a little drained as of now…

but this will get better with time….

as everything else is getting better….

I would be over this soon…

 

 

 

Aside

happy ever after

Hi,

hope you all read this in good health…..and keeping well…..

things are seem to be working out for me now a days……

got a job….got someone that makes me happy…..a loving family……awesome friends……

I got up today early……actually I was not able to sleep………

had a nightmare……it made me think…….

I have never had things working out for me like this before…….and it is making me insecure…..

there are times when we feel insecure…….we don’t want to lose anything…..

there are times…..good times and the bad times…..

the unchanging truth and the best part of good or bad time is that it changes……

we don’t know exactly when and how it will change…..but it will change for sure….

and when it changes…..we don’t want to regret anything…..

anything that we have done in good times maybe knowingly or unknowingly…..that might have hurt others……

death is the only reality……and it is certain for sure…..

it takes a moment to ruin everything……and a lifetime to rebuild…..

we would never want that moment to come…..and that’s what I fear now…..and I want to get over with this feeling…..

we all go through so much during our lifetimes……that during good times……we are afraid of our happiness….

as these are the times we make mistakes……that leave a misery and regret behind…..

well I think it would not be the situation if we just keep on doing things as if it were the last day……that we might not ever see a tomorrow…..

we would definitely think multiple times before we hurt someone…..as we would not want to be remembered as someone who said or did wrong….

the point is how to be happy all the time……how to get over with this feeling……

how to be carefree……and alive……

there must be some way to shut these feelings and emotions that might come in the way of happiness…..

as happiness fetches more happiness……

how to be happy ever after……

 

 

 

 

Aside

high water mark

Hi,

 

Thank you everyone for your fabulous support……..I feel humble……..

hope you all read this in good health……..

have been busy these days….got a new job finally….

classes are going well too……and there are other positive happenings in my life…..

today I was thinking about…..why do we never care about things we get easily…..

anything that is available easily would be taken for granted……and something that keeps on dragging us behind them are the ones that we crave for….

like owning an old house……we would hardly care for it…….except for occasional paint work and repairs…..

but when it is sold or demolished……..and then we have to move on……we would remember all the times we have spent in it…….

memories would haunt us…….we would think about that it could have been saved…..

I think it is a basic human tendency……give something too easy…….no one would care about it……

make them work for it…….they would crave for it……..

sometimes there are moments we give away things easy…..and then those are taken for granted….

like most of us must have lent a book……give them away easy and see the condition in which you receive them back…..

It is mostly some rare times when we get them back wholesome…..or properly cared…..

so I think its better to be painted aloof…..then to be taken for granted…..

its better to considered as someone who is careless……then to care and then get nothing in return except hurt…..

life gets so much easier when we live free…..free from the vague burden that we take…….the burden we keep on accumulating from undeserving people……

I am not saying that I am perfect and whatever I think is correct…….but yes it works for me…..

If anyone has a better theory…..please let me know…….all the good things that we read…….hardly works in reality…….

reality is a whole new picture…..with a unimaginable perspective……

when we are most relaxed…….we are most close to being run over…..

reality is harsh and bitter……..which sometimes tastes sweet……..just like beer I think…..

and yes there are times we get frustrated…….we get fed-up……and these times are mostly when we are near the destination……

so its up to us to take some more and move in the same direction……or to leave it behind and head into another direction…..

I think for now I will take some more……but yes the high water mark is near too….

 

 

 

 

 

Woman’s Day “Crap”

Hi,

I am awake………its about 4 am in the morning…………..I was stuck in my house the whole day yesterday………..had to study a lot………I was thinking about being physical in a relationship……….I mean when is the right time to be physical…………how to judge………..are there any sort of specifications that people follow……………..or is it a snap judgement…………..I am born and brought up in India………….here being in a relationship is like doing a job………..you have to commit………….and the sex ratio is not very good………so its like a competition for an average male…………as a result the girls monopolize the situation………I have seen it with my very own eyes that girls here dump their Boy Friend only after they start to go out with some other guy………..on the other hand……….male’s here are have to think multiple times before dumping a girl………..as a result male’s are emotionally blackmailed………this situation is prevalent all across India…………its like a curse in corporate environment here………..managers and people on a good place will give priority and additional favors to girls………..even if they are not competent enough………..and the justification that they will provide on being questioned is that………..”she’s a girl”………..I dislike this statement……….we are in 21st century………….we are equal in every respect………….we compete…………then these people in order to get closer to girls………..or to “secure” a date………….provide this justification……….and worst part is women like this attitude…………and they take these situations as opportunities………..but I think its consequences are much bitter………firstly they portrait themselves as helpless by accepting to this………and as a result of this mentality……….women empowerment could never be achieved………In my lifespan of 25 years I have seen only 3-4 females standing against this “She’s a girl” mentality………..god bless us………..we are a growing country………and if we keep this shit in our mind………..we would never be truly liberated…………there would always be inequality in our minds………..

Fun Unlimited

Hi,

 

Today is a wonderful day…..it was going as usual………I woke up late…………saw a lot of episodes of Sherlock Holmes and Vampire Diaries………..and then I was reading books related to my course………..then I got a call from Akshay and Vasutosh…………it was a party plan……..as it was a weekend……….so they talked me into it………and I was getting bored……..so I hopped in………….I left home…..at around 10 in the night………….reached office……….there was booze and Changezi…………..we all went outside the premise………..had booze and played songs in Vasutosh’s JBL……….it was fun……….then some idiots joined up………..they are people who cannot be trusted by me or my friends………….we fed them and bid they goodbye……….then we charged into the office building…………..straight to the meeting room………we danced………we enjoyed……..we had a lot of fun……….needed this……..as my life was going very slow and was little depressing……….Upasana was there on the floor…………she met us in the cafeteria as well……….I am still high………I had a lot of booze……….and then we went outside………….I am writing this post from the floor of my office……….Upasana is cribbing like a stupid dog………..she is like that………stupid………..well its more about me now………I would just insult her………..if she dared to talk to me…………but maybe I would regret that later……….but yes she would get what she deserves…….I have prayed for her……..and yes deep inside I still do……….but I think that would hardly matter……….or maybe it would matter………its out of my reach now……….or maybe within my reach but self respect is stopping me…………but I don’t want her at the cost of my self respect……….as if I get her at that cost………..I would not be able to lead a happy life……….I would not be happy with her……….that’s what I think……….you are free to think the way you feel………..no bounds……maybe your way of thinking is more rational……….let me know what you think……….maybe your way could influence me to take a better decision…………and that decision would change my life………….thanks!

Aside

Together

Hi,

Today I slept a lot…….and then I realized that I need to change my life again………..so I stated learning things………as I don’t have a class this week……………my friend is getting engaged today…………I am not going to Gaurav’s engagement………..I am still recovering……….though I feel a little better………I think travelling would be like an exertion………..I will make for this on his wedding………..sorry Gaurav………..then as I woke up late……….I though why can’t I just keep a fast today……….as its maha shiv ratri today……….an festival in India………..for lord Shiva……….and I realize that its good for health……….I will eat in the night……….till then……..I will manage………I miss Upasana………….she has this nice DP on whats app of lord Shiva………..and Ankita copied……..or vice-verse………..but I love that girl………..never have been more sure about my feelings in my life before………I filled my appraisal in salary in the office………..I am not expecting a huge increment………but yes……..I need money…………maybe I would need to switch job to get that………..there are a lot of money matters pending…………I want to deal with them…………..but yes…….changing job would mean………..no more Upasana………..to see for real……….in front of me…………..and many friends………….pushed through the boundary………….as time marks a bound on us………..though we want to spend time………sometimes we just cant………..and I have seen……….that I am a kind of stupid emotional fool………..I sometimes do me loss……….while doing something for someone……….who does not care for me much………..and yes Upasana too utilized me………..and it was like I was too available for her………she thought that I am a push around…………and she took me for granted………..but that’s like past………….I have forgiven her for this………..but I am not a fool to forget………….it was a lesson………I just want her back in my life…….but she should understand that I am not a person to be taken for granted………..at least she could show concern…………but she would never do that…………the words I still remember from our last conversation are……….”don’t bother me”……….so I am doing just that………..I am not expecting anything from her………..its like………if she would love me………she would someday tell me……………and maybe I would not be available that day………or maybe she would not say that ever……..this a like a circle……..you start from one point and you get back there……..I just want it to be a circle of love………….so that……….even we fight or not talk………….or things go wrong…………we still end up to the point where we are together……..and we would always be together………Amen……….

Dilema

Hi,

 

Today the day went as expected……….but not as planned……………by that I mean that………I got up and was ready to move to attend my class………….but when I called my friend he said……….it is cancelled…………so I had planned to get a new hair cut………and pamper my self a little………..so I did just that………….got a new hair cut………it looks good………..soon I would upload some pics here………….but till then ………….I know you are not so anxious to see them………….but hey that’s okay………there are a lot of people around this globe……..and I am one of them……………not unique…….not famous………not rich enough…………so its justified……….but I am here to share and write my mind out………….Upasana goes all red whenever she sees me………….but she loves me is still a big question…………..I have prayed for her……….multiple times……….but yes this life gives you…………what you really deserve………..rather then what you are after…………..so I am just a puppet………..someone else is writing this story………..and I have left all my worries to him……….lets see what happens………..there is always hope……….there is always a maybe……….but the thing is………….that I need to travel tomorrow………..to attend the engagement of that asshole Gaurav………..we were course-mates, room-mates and we spent four years together………..so the bond is strong………from my side it is………..but life is un-predictable……….I am keeping my fingers crossed…………hope I enjoy a lot………..and learn something.

Sometimes

Hi,

 

Today I purchased a domain name and i am mapping it to this blog…….never done that before……lets see how it goes…………have a class to attend tomorrow…….then I need to have a decent haircut……my friend, really good friend of mine is getting engaged on 27th……..I have already swapped my week offs with a friend and fellow employee……Ankit…….I don’t have any vibes or any feelings for the engagement………as he would be very busy……….and then………I am not a very rich friend of his……….yup……its the general attitude here………..a person who is not rich…………is just not good enough…………..girls would prefer a dumb rich guy…………over an intelligent man…………who can achieve success…………and can be tremendously rich over time………..that’s stupid I know………..but I live here………born and brought up in metro cities…………….I have seen this in action…………and that is my view…………so I expect a pretty…… okay okay or you can say…………..cold treatment……………….and then I would have to travel back…………..and get back to my normal……….fast paced…………..sometimes fun……….mostly boring life………….Upasana is not talking to me………..rest everyone is there………Diya is more of a distant friend now………we sometimes chat…………she hardly sends text………anyhow……….wish my friends has a good future………….and here I am waiting for my annual appraisal………..lets see what I get………..I would have to switch job soon……..If I don’t get a good hike here…………need some capital to invest…….in my business plan………can’t live like this all my life………its already high time now………….money has always been the central point………I have always felt that at moments if I had more money…….I could have made a difference………..so now I am after excellence………excellence will bring money……and everything else would follow………

A different feeling

Hi everyone,

Haven’t given a thought yet to what should I write about today……..my day went boring and as usual……..yesterday we enjoyed a lot…….had drinks then we all came back to the office…….and danced in the meeting room………the song was fun……and our dance……hilarious…….we were dancing on a old bollywood song……..from the movie Raja Babu…..”pak chik pak Raja Babu”………and then went off to home……….but yet there was a name in my mind………Upasana……..memories were flashing in front of my awake eyes…….memories of the days…….from the first day when we met……..to the comment she made on my paper…….which was “Innocent”…..to the time when once she was feeling low……and I understood that by her body language and she was impressed…….to the time when we went to the trip…….to the “Jim Corbette national park”…….we went on the nature trek……and there we were lost……..and we were holding each others hands……..her hands were soft yet the grip was firm and warm…….it felt great…….felt like this is the girl…….no other girl could love me more then her………to the time she slipped on track into my arms…….and I was holding her from her shoulders………and the moment when we were on a sort of narrow track…….where one side was a river and the other side was a ditch……..and the weather was cold……..and she was going ahead and I was holding her shoulder…….tightly so that nothing could happen to her………..I wish I could do that for her all the time………..but, the reality is very different……….we don’t talk with each other……..have not talked from december 24th 2013……….she behaved very unusually that day………..we were in the office……..she was having a good time…….I was enjoying too……because after a long time we had photographs in which we were standing next to each other…….we danced close to each other too……..and then suddenly when she was on her seat………she showed me my pic in her mobile………..she said that’s how you used to look……..and then she sort of rubbed my face with her thumb…….and then she was sad……….she was about to go to a trip to Goa the next day…………then she said that my eyes talk…….though that was cheeky…….but the look on her face seemed as if she really meant that………then her eyes went a little red…….as if she was about to cry…….and she left the floor to go to washroom………..I was taken by surprise…….was unable to say anything to her……..I was speechless……..and it went on in my mind again and again…….I was thinking why would she do that to me…….and then when I was unable to resist my urge to know…….I sent a message on facebook to her in personal chat……….and then that was the fall of my happiness……..she responded to that message in a manner that was not expected by me……….she said that it was awful and that really hurt me……….I asked her why is she like this with me………and then she sent a text saying that I should not bother her……..and my final reply was “Grow Up” and after that more then a month has passed………she said “Hi” to me once or twice but I did not responded……….she could not take all decisions……..she could not take me for granted…….that she would hurt me and I would just forgive her and pretend as if nothing has happened………and then now here I am…….missing her……….and I have no clue now what to do………but I want to make things better………I wish that she love me the way I do………that she just say sorry once and hug me………….I will be so happy………but today I am not feeling good…….she is like a medicine……..a drug……….I was so high on 24th was so happy……..just because we were together……….I am just afraid that I don’t get addicted to her…….at the same time I want to be a addict……..