go with reality, not with words

Hi everyone… have a great life…

I have been going with the flow…

I imagine myself to be a river flowing in the mountains…

splashing on rocks…

some I am able to overcome.. drown…

Others are there till they get smooth…

These rocks are the facts that I have to deal with…

And being the flowing river… I am always moving…

I realize that the more I am occupied with everything…

I devote less time writing..

why is it that I am unable to understand what is happening with me most of the times…

I am failing to understand… or maybe I am blindfolded…

I tried my best to overcome my attachment with Neha…

but yet I am still attached…

I just don’t want to think about all this… but yet it comes to my mind…

I did everything I could to possible remove her from my life…

but yet she came back…

she came back and promised to overcome and change…

she said she wants to improve…

she said she wants to be a better person…

I knew I might be caught up in the same situation…

where at one end is her Ex she is not able to overcome…

and at one end I…

we talked about it… I told her I don’t want all this emotional hurt…

she was really good for almost two weeks…

but then I was able to see the cracks….

we were having a random conversation… and she mentioned it all over again…

she just blurted out…

once she said… I don’t want to cheat on you…

I did not reacted to that…

then she said that she is talking to me because her ex is not online…

like I asked her to talk to me….

I ended all communication with her…

but she tried… she apologized….

and then this….

I feel so stupid to allow all this to happen to me….

but I miss the love and affection she showed…

if I compare both… I think the hurt was more…

but why do I still want her…

well actually… she I think she is manipulating me…

after everything… I met her once because she almost begged….

we exchanged greetings… and it was my birthday the next day….

I did not said anything… but then she tried to get the conversation going…

I felt so dejected… but I did not wanted a scene…

and I was feeling a bit tired too…

so I sat down and started looking into my phone…

then she started coming closer…

and brought this gift out of her bag…

I simply asked her why… and refused to take it…

I didn’t wanted any obligations…

after all that has happened…

and I didn’t wanted to give her any more reasons to meet me…

so I took off and started moving…

she followed…

she pushed me to a wall… and just hugged me…

everyone was watching… in India its not an usual sight…

me being stupid allowed it… I wanted to resist… but I could not…

and we were standing there for I guess one minute…

I finally pushed her away… but she didn’t wanted to move away…

and then she pleaded… please take this gift… for her happiness…

I couldn’t say no then…

I wish now I had….

because after all this…

she is still the same…

and I am fed up… she is not committing…

she never said that she likes me… or loves me…

she still talks to her ex boyfriend… maybe meets him too…

she always told me that there are no feelings from her side…

and all this that I see… anyone can tell she is desperate…

she is a stalker too… she reads my comments and updates on facebook…

I have never been into a situation like this…

the worst thing she does to me is… she sometimes say that she does not want to cheat on me….

why would she say that… she never committed…

I mind has stopped paying attention to her…

I realize that I do not notice her even…

I don’t want to be a victim of this emotional game anymore…

I even tried being rude…

I told her that I want casual sex… and nothing else…

but she would not budge…

why in the whole world I felt pray to this psychopath…

she changed my perception for girls in a whole different way…

after my first breakup… i was  devastated…

but this… I can’t even call it a breakup…

It is just plain crap… If i go by karma…

I must have done something terribly wrong to deal with all this…

but now no more… and I just want to put a check on me…

so that I don’t fall prey… like I felt a day before my birthday…

have so much to deal with…

my plate is almost overflowing…

may I take practical and wise decisions..

rather than falling prey to emotions.

 

Aside

high water mark

Hi,

 

Thank you everyone for your fabulous support……..I feel humble……..

hope you all read this in good health……..

have been busy these days….got a new job finally….

classes are going well too……and there are other positive happenings in my life…..

today I was thinking about…..why do we never care about things we get easily…..

anything that is available easily would be taken for granted……and something that keeps on dragging us behind them are the ones that we crave for….

like owning an old house……we would hardly care for it…….except for occasional paint work and repairs…..

but when it is sold or demolished……..and then we have to move on……we would remember all the times we have spent in it…….

memories would haunt us…….we would think about that it could have been saved…..

I think it is a basic human tendency……give something too easy…….no one would care about it……

make them work for it…….they would crave for it……..

sometimes there are moments we give away things easy…..and then those are taken for granted….

like most of us must have lent a book……give them away easy and see the condition in which you receive them back…..

It is mostly some rare times when we get them back wholesome…..or properly cared…..

so I think its better to be painted aloof…..then to be taken for granted…..

its better to considered as someone who is careless……then to care and then get nothing in return except hurt…..

life gets so much easier when we live free…..free from the vague burden that we take…….the burden we keep on accumulating from undeserving people……

I am not saying that I am perfect and whatever I think is correct…….but yes it works for me…..

If anyone has a better theory…..please let me know…….all the good things that we read…….hardly works in reality…….

reality is a whole new picture…..with a unimaginable perspective……

when we are most relaxed…….we are most close to being run over…..

reality is harsh and bitter……..which sometimes tastes sweet……..just like beer I think…..

and yes there are times we get frustrated…….we get fed-up……and these times are mostly when we are near the destination……

so its up to us to take some more and move in the same direction……or to leave it behind and head into another direction…..

I think for now I will take some more……but yes the high water mark is near too….

 

 

 

 

 

Aside

Fed-Up

Hi,

Life has taken pace………I am doing my best to cope up…………..heat is rising………..the temperature is rising rapidly now a days around 30 to 34 degrees centigrade…………it feels like being in an oven……….Vinay……….my teacher………..he is a disciplined man…………and seeks that in his students too…………I am not that disciplined…………..but I am doing my best to cope up…………….got a new phone delivered at my home……….I ordered one online………….still waiting for a good interview call…………..Abhishek tiwari is behaving in a bizarre way so is Akshay……..maybe a lot is going on in their lives……..they are good friends but gets bossy sometimes…………..at times I like it………at times i don’t………..anyhow…………..I skipped office today……………..met a old friend Rishab bawa………….I still remember the jokes we use to crack on each other…………like………..”knock knock”………whose this……….”bawa”…………….bawa who?……………bawa bawa black sheep………….he is a laughing stock all the time……..we had a great time mocking and poking each other………we had pizza………..and then I bid him good bye………….and went back home…………I saw this elderly lady begging at botanical garden metro station………..a person went over to her and asked why was she there……….she told him about something and started crying………….the person gave her 300 rupees and told her to go home…………and went away………I was watching…………as soon as he left………..she kept the money in her bag…….she cried for some time………but did not moved………..she was still there……….begging……….I realized that it was not the money she needed………..300 is not a very big amount………in India specially in metro cities……….this amount can last for two or three days for food…………she needed a shelter I think…………with people with similar life story………….where she would be able to rehabilitate………….like old age homes that keep the elderly………….I wish that I could have done something for her…………I could not think of any way at that time to help her………..so once I reached home I marked email to an NGO to help her…………I have not received any reply as of now……….maybe someday……….I would be able to sponsor something for the needy…………I am against begging…………for a able bodied person begging should not be an option………..there should be punishment for it even…………..but in its place work should be provided………….so that they don’t need to beg anymore…………..its high time already as a country for us to be among st the developed……………I think its the perfect time for military rule in India………….radical changes are required to reform the structure…………..and till the time we keep on electing the same people who have been utilizing the loop holes for their benefit………..it would be very difficult………..might take some decades or more………and frankly speaking our generation is impatient……….we are fed up already……..maybe these radical changes will improve the condition of people that we see everyday begging…….