Possibilities and Perception

Hi,

Hope you all are doing great and achieving greatness..

I slightly deviated from the track recently…

I have missed classes too…

Reason being her… as I did not wanted to confront her….

I did not attended classes for a week….

I just could not make it… I felt drained of energy…

Then I went went back to review…

My body is feeling this because I am not eating well… sleeping well…

Yup… She effects me emotionally…

But… If I keep on eating good…

Hang out with good people…

Be happy…

My emotional aspects are taken care off…

But the diet and sleep part is something.. I have to maintain for myself….

Its all interrelated…. isn’t it…

Like two sides of a coin…

And the irony is eventually it will flip…. no matter what…

Because no matter what I do…. something or the other will start a chain of thoughts….

So either I can let it affect me… or I can just consider it to be a negligible part in my equation….

and rather focus on the main equation….

throw the coin away

And throw it away…

She did things for me… and then she stopped doing them….

She made me habitual of certain things…. then she made me change my habits…

I was actually not reviewing… what I needed…. and what she has to offer…

I am implementing certain changes…. lets see how they go….

And when I talk to different people… I realize their perception about them differ…

It depends on my behavior….

How I act in front of them…

If I am feeling euphoric some day…. and met someone…

they are going to remember me like that…

If I am feeling sad… they will remember to be a brooding person….

or maybe confused…

Yeah… past week made people think that….

I realized that they thought me to be confused… lost….

and yes I was… but this will eventually affect me…

the more active, spontaneous, alive, the better I get…

And the more I am lost in thinking about the things that I cannot deal with….

The worse I get…. passive….

and I think no one likes to be like that….

I think I would have to think about this…

A way to get over this too…

A way to channel all thoughts and energy at the things at hand….

but the question is HOW?

We cannot restrict our thoughts…

so that is not an option…

But I think with practice…. we can channel our thoughts too…

I think if I am able to understand the reason… I would be able to channel my thoughts….

and that is where I get stuck…

firstly… to understand how I feel… the exact feeling…. and that takes up a lot of efforts…

getting over this part is the most cumbersome task….

then why I am feeling like that….

and then some workaround… that may fail too….

taking me back to Initial stage again….

Well… why I see circles in everything now a days….

maybe my perception is not accurate….

It is a possibility too…

 

 

 

 

Moving on

Hi,

 

I have not been writing much these days…. I realized this…

I was so much occupied with Neha that I have not given time to myself….. and the things I love to do…

But, now that I have realized that….

I guess I need to give myself some time…

She drained me emotionally…. always doing something or the other….

she was taking me for-granted…

I told her that upfront… that she should stop doing this…..

yesterday we had a conversation… she was talking to me like I am someone begging to be with her…

She was sick… she has some sort of allergy… and due to which she has some swelling…

I was asking her about her well being… and I did my best to be nice to her…

but she did it… and I realized I have had enough…

She does not even care to resolve this… and it is not my responsibility always to resolve differences…

I know this sounds like I don’t care about her and I am being a jerk….

but, try my shoes for one day…. and get to know… what I go through…

You would understand… anyhow… we are not talking as of now…. and I already feel good about it….

the time she used to take away from me… I think I would devote that to better things….

I have been working out… but it was on and off…

with less things to think about… I would devote my time to myself….

writing is going on with its own sweet pace… and I am improving… and the kind of love and support I get from you all….

motivates me a lot… and I would keep on doing it… and improve…

I wish someday I would be able to publish something as well…

till then sharing is perfect… and learning… I see great posts from people… Cari.. has a great blog…

I learn a lot from her…

I wanted the things between me and Neha to work out…

and I did what I could…

but I think its for the better… at first it was euphoric…

it gave me strength… I felt so much love and energy….

but then things did not went well….

and now we talk less and fight more…

I give you an example… I did not had dinner yesterday…

there was a lot of work… but I still managed to ask her about her well being….

but she was behaving as if I am clinging on to her…

I told her what I felt… and she said what can i do about it… its not her concern….

now.. even if I neglect it… she has been talking like this with me from past one week or so…..

Love is in its place… but how could I compromise with self respect…..

even if she does not feel anything about me… the least anyone could do is show compassion…

at least talk nicely…

I wanted things to fade nicely… but now it was not that good…

Call it universe or God… it has its own plan and ways…

I will go with the flow… and concentrate on what is Important for my happiness…

I realized I cannot make other people happy… till I am happy myself…

I have not sketched in a while… I want to start painting now… lets make a step towards painting today ­čÖékapil potrait cross process

have a great time ahead!

 

 

 

Aside

Almost lost

Hi,

 

Hope you all are doing great….

I am not feeling relaxed now a days….

my head seems to be spinning….. this feeling is different…..

Everything is going good…. I have a better job….I am learning too….

but Neha is getting into my mind…. at first it started casually….

but now the things are changing between us….

she makes me feel special…. she cooks for me sometimes….

we talk a lot… she sends good morning wishes….

I reply instantaneously…. I keep on waiting for her messages….

and when I keep on waiting… I am not able to concentrate on anything…..

and that’s a cause of concern for me….

she says that I should ignore her…. I told her to do it for me….

she ignored me yesterday…. not a single message…. no good morning wish….

I kept on waiting… I was not feeling good about it…. but I did not took a step forward and contacted her….

in the night around 2000… I got a text from her… asking me about how I was…..

I replied that I am fine and asked her how she was….

By this time I was a little drunk…. I had some beer….

after some time she said I am behaving differently….. and what is it…..

I did not replied for some time…… then she sent another message….

I asked her to describe her feelings when she did not receive a reply…..

she said she felt bad… I told her that’s how I feel when she does not replies to my messages….

and then after some time the situation kept getting worse…..

now she is not sending me any messages at all…..

and yup I miss her…. miss her real bad….

wish I could go back in time and change this….

I wish it to be resolved…. and be back on track….

It was going great… It was going smooth…..

and now these jerks are making me tense…. I feel addicted….

and the worst part is… it seems that i am the one who is doing all the work…..

I get all worked up… physically… mentally…

no peace of mind is left….. and I don’t want mood swings to hamper my career and personal relations….

she keeps on showing tantrums and fits… she is mostly obtuse of my views….. I have to keep on asking again and again…..

and she still doesn’t replies…. or replies well….. I feel taken for granted…..

and that is what is hurting me……

but I want this misunderstanding to be cleared….

and I would have to leave my ego behind for that…..

and I did exactly the same… I kept on asking till she did not opened up…..

finally she said she needs some space….

I think we should take a break…

she is still in touch with her ex….

and I feel insecure…. and I have to overcome that too….

I want to live free….. but this situation is making me worked out mentally…..

there is a lot going on in my life right now…. and I am loosing focus on what to keep and what to discard…

hope I could get any medicine for focus…..

she is driving me crazy….

and this is the worst feeling I have got… in years….

and I want to get over with it desperately…..

its ruining me I think…. I am not myself anymore….

but I want her too… she has done good for me in the past….

what should I do… leave her and move on….

or keep on working to get this working in hope of a better tomorrow with her….

 

Tradeoffs

Hi,

 

This week has been crazy…………..lack of sleep………….low┬áattendance in the classes…………..son of a bitch manager in the office…………management of funds……….credit card bill……….ATM’s spilling out torn notes on me………it is like a┬ároller coaster ride in hell…………and these are the situations where I feel I need somebody to just cover me up……………to stay by my side and rub my shoulders…………….and look me into the eyes and say…………its okay………leave this and think anew…………..everyone has to deal with this………….and you are doing just fine……….well that’s destiny and luck…………still searching for my girl………..not found her in years…………have fallen for some………..some fell for me…………but it never worked out………..as if it was not intended to………….sometimes I was┬áreluctant……….sometimes them……….and others were a drama scene…………like Shaifalee………..she blocked me on whats app just because I wanted to be her friend…………..that’s how life is…………..going crazy, insane……….even the art of deduction of great Sherlock holmes fail here………..Upasana is a queen bitch………..the kind that top the chart………..I don’t say I am good or perfect…………but when I compare my bitch level with theirs………..they are magnanimously high on that scale……….now the coming week would be busy too…………as the shifts are getting one hour earlier………..i will get more sleep………..and I want to be regular in the classes………..but damn………..no one can function with three hours of sleep………….its like everything is falling and I have to catch each and everything……………but then I have to choose between two things which are apart……….whether sleep……….or classes…………now classes are dependent on sleep………..because without a fresh maid I would grasp nothing……….so I choose to sleep…………..at least I would be able to relax and think………