complications and solutions

Hi,

Hope you all are doing good…

Life gets a little boring when you are going with the flow…

I have being doing things as they were coming to me…

There is no thrill… no adventure…

I miss her…. and i have told her this too…

but there is no reaction at all….

she would not text me back….

its been two weeks… we have not talked like we used to…

I want her as she was….

like we met…

things always take a different turn… I am not denying that I didn’t told her what she was doing wrong…

I told her to behave… and learn to talk….

life is tangled… I try to make it less complicated… 

the more complicated it gets…

I have no savings left… and have credit card bill to pay…

I am feeling bodily urges too…

and that makes me eccentric…

I have been doing fine at work…

saved some money for certificates…

now I want to face the situation…

but I want to make sure I don’t insult her… but don’t feel like to keep a check on my words too…

i want to make it polite…

and then I want some money… I tried something extra to get some money…

but things did not went well…

I want to be action oriented…

but I want my actions to be meaningful…

either I can keep on taking action…

till I get it right….

or I think and then act…

its like either I be impulsive… or be cautious…

both are extreme… I want to be fun.. that lies somewhere in the exact middle….

I want to fill my glass a little more…

I want to earn better….

I want my family to be happy… 

I want my family to be financially independent….

They have done a lot….

Life is getting better…. I have a better job…

I experienced love… if I can call it that…

I have great friends… 

I have a huge and loving family…

I think it is getting to my head….

I want to be untied… I want to be free…

Let me finish it… She is online…  To be continued….

I had a conversation and I was not so polite I must say….

I said everything… I know it was not the best way….

but yes it was required…

She did what she does best… she was running away from it…

she is still stuck with the same point she has… not willing to understand at all…

now I am light… the things that I wanted her to understand are out…

I know not in the best of the ways… but yes finally….

Its better to say something then nothing at all…

at least the intended person would know whats going on inside….

then whether they choose to stay or leave is up-to them…

I think it will bring harmony… because I am light….

and opening up was required… small things make a huge difference….

but I was wrong… She is over-ambitious as I knew….

She met her ex and she told me that too…

I want to just remove her from my life…

She is out of my head… and heart…

but yeah when I see her… I feel bad…

Like I did something wrong….

Her ex is a person who has no job…

I am sure I am a thousand times better….

my glass is half empty…

now the situation is…

I want her… at the same time I know all this too…

Presently she is enjoying her leverage….

as she is the object of desire for two people…

she has options…

and I know there is no commitment in this… 

as she is shifting bases… 

now what if a base moves out….

her leverage is lost… and she has one option left….

and its high water mark for me….

I wish that realization dawns upon her….

i may not have taken the best course here…

but I did something about it….

I only have one life…. 

no regrets! things will eventually turn out as they are meant to be.

 

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Possibilities and Perception

Hi,

Hope you all are doing great and achieving greatness..

I slightly deviated from the track recently…

I have missed classes too…

Reason being her… as I did not wanted to confront her….

I did not attended classes for a week….

I just could not make it… I felt drained of energy…

Then I went went back to review…

My body is feeling this because I am not eating well… sleeping well…

Yup… She effects me emotionally…

But… If I keep on eating good…

Hang out with good people…

Be happy…

My emotional aspects are taken care off…

But the diet and sleep part is something.. I have to maintain for myself….

Its all interrelated…. isn’t it…

Like two sides of a coin…

And the irony is eventually it will flip…. no matter what…

Because no matter what I do…. something or the other will start a chain of thoughts….

So either I can let it affect me… or I can just consider it to be a negligible part in my equation….

and rather focus on the main equation….

throw the coin away

And throw it away…

She did things for me… and then she stopped doing them….

She made me habitual of certain things…. then she made me change my habits…

I was actually not reviewing… what I needed…. and what she has to offer…

I am implementing certain changes…. lets see how they go….

And when I talk to different people… I realize their perception about them differ…

It depends on my behavior….

How I act in front of them…

If I am feeling euphoric some day…. and met someone…

they are going to remember me like that…

If I am feeling sad… they will remember to be a brooding person….

or maybe confused…

Yeah… past week made people think that….

I realized that they thought me to be confused… lost….

and yes I was… but this will eventually affect me…

the more active, spontaneous, alive, the better I get…

And the more I am lost in thinking about the things that I cannot deal with….

The worse I get…. passive….

and I think no one likes to be like that….

I think I would have to think about this…

A way to get over this too…

A way to channel all thoughts and energy at the things at hand….

but the question is HOW?

We cannot restrict our thoughts…

so that is not an option…

But I think with practice…. we can channel our thoughts too…

I think if I am able to understand the reason… I would be able to channel my thoughts….

and that is where I get stuck…

firstly… to understand how I feel… the exact feeling…. and that takes up a lot of efforts…

getting over this part is the most cumbersome task….

then why I am feeling like that….

and then some workaround… that may fail too….

taking me back to Initial stage again….

Well… why I see circles in everything now a days….

maybe my perception is not accurate….

It is a possibility too…

 

 

 

 

Aside

Equanimity

Hi,

Hope you all have a great weekend..

Its been three days and we are hardly talking….

she said many things but now I feel she never meant any of them…

I think she needs her own space…

now she has it… I am no more in the equation…

hope that helps her….

I have awesome friends….

they have been there for me…..

they have supported me….

made me laugh….

and they helped to bring out the best in me….

and I feel really grateful to them….

she came into my life… she gave me some memories….

but things did not went well…

but with my friends I never have to think about things going right or wrong….

no matter how I am… they accept me…

and I think that is what is the key for a successful bond….

she is unable to accept me as I am… keeps on passing the blame onto me…

that simply means.. she does not deserved me in the first place….

and it was so foolish of me to keep it dragging…

I gave her more importance then myself….

and I think that is where it all went wrong….

and the best part is I did it… without realizing what I was doing….

and now that I have realized it… I think the damage has been done…

I read some articles on behavior… and she turned out to be a “toxic person”….

the way she behaves with me now a days….

she twists my words to pass the blame onto me….

she hardly makes any effort to know about my well being…

and she has been taking me for granted…

makes me pursue her all the time… and enjoys it…

I have no problem doing that… but she does not shows any respect at all…

no compassion… no consideration….

she used to make me laugh… but she had not done it in a long while…

and I don’t want to criticize her for it…

I want to be with her in the hoping that she would do it some day…

but the reality is she would not be with me…

following her parents wishes…

she would get married to someone… and I would be left alone…

I don’t know what to do anymore…

It’s like being in the middle of a dark tunnel… and not knowing which way to go…

like there is no light on both the ends….

and I am left all alone….

but eventually I will get to the end…

and be in the light again… and I feel like she would be there…

along with my friends… and everything would be as it is meant to be….