go with reality, not with words

Hi everyone… have a great life…

I have been going with the flow…

I imagine myself to be a river flowing in the mountains…

splashing on rocks…

some I am able to overcome.. drown…

Others are there till they get smooth…

These rocks are the facts that I have to deal with…

And being the flowing river… I am always moving…

I realize that the more I am occupied with everything…

I devote less time writing..

why is it that I am unable to understand what is happening with me most of the times…

I am failing to understand… or maybe I am blindfolded…

I tried my best to overcome my attachment with Neha…

but yet I am still attached…

I just don’t want to think about all this… but yet it comes to my mind…

I did everything I could to possible remove her from my life…

but yet she came back…

she came back and promised to overcome and change…

she said she wants to improve…

she said she wants to be a better person…

I knew I might be caught up in the same situation…

where at one end is her Ex she is not able to overcome…

and at one end I…

we talked about it… I told her I don’t want all this emotional hurt…

she was really good for almost two weeks…

but then I was able to see the cracks….

we were having a random conversation… and she mentioned it all over again…

she just blurted out…

once she said… I don’t want to cheat on you…

I did not reacted to that…

then she said that she is talking to me because her ex is not online…

like I asked her to talk to me….

I ended all communication with her…

but she tried… she apologized….

and then this….

I feel so stupid to allow all this to happen to me….

but I miss the love and affection she showed…

if I compare both… I think the hurt was more…

but why do I still want her…

well actually… she I think she is manipulating me…

after everything… I met her once because she almost begged….

we exchanged greetings… and it was my birthday the next day….

I did not said anything… but then she tried to get the conversation going…

I felt so dejected… but I did not wanted a scene…

and I was feeling a bit tired too…

so I sat down and started looking into my phone…

then she started coming closer…

and brought this gift out of her bag…

I simply asked her why… and refused to take it…

I didn’t wanted any obligations…

after all that has happened…

and I didn’t wanted to give her any more reasons to meet me…

so I took off and started moving…

she followed…

she pushed me to a wall… and just hugged me…

everyone was watching… in India its not an usual sight…

me being stupid allowed it… I wanted to resist… but I could not…

and we were standing there for I guess one minute…

I finally pushed her away… but she didn’t wanted to move away…

and then she pleaded… please take this gift… for her happiness…

I couldn’t say no then…

I wish now I had….

because after all this…

she is still the same…

and I am fed up… she is not committing…

she never said that she likes me… or loves me…

she still talks to her ex boyfriend… maybe meets him too…

she always told me that there are no feelings from her side…

and all this that I see… anyone can tell she is desperate…

she is a stalker too… she reads my comments and updates on facebook…

I have never been into a situation like this…

the worst thing she does to me is… she sometimes say that she does not want to cheat on me….

why would she say that… she never committed…

I mind has stopped paying attention to her…

I realize that I do not notice her even…

I don’t want to be a victim of this emotional game anymore…

I even tried being rude…

I told her that I want casual sex… and nothing else…

but she would not budge…

why in the whole world I felt pray to this psychopath…

she changed my perception for girls in a whole different way…

after my first breakup… i was  devastated…

but this… I can’t even call it a breakup…

It is just plain crap… If i go by karma…

I must have done something terribly wrong to deal with all this…

but now no more… and I just want to put a check on me…

so that I don’t fall prey… like I felt a day before my birthday…

have so much to deal with…

my plate is almost overflowing…

may I take practical and wise decisions..

rather than falling prey to emotions.

 

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6 thoughts on “go with reality, not with words

  1. The world is changing my friend; like a washer and drier that swirls,twists and turns to clean our clothes ; so it is with all of us to clean ourselves in relationship to ourselves and therefore others. We thank them for showing us what we can clean up, as we no longer blame ourselves or others and we come back to loving ourselves. When love is no longer like Romeo and Juliet it s FREE to flow like the river inside US and can never be taken away!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Really love the way you try to make me understand things…

    thanks a ton…

    I really don’t understand what love is…

    it is a word that is not defined for me…

    but I do know care…

    like a mothers care for her child…

    I do know togetherness…

    like two friends standing for each other…

    I know empathy…

    I know sympathy…

    maybe I am shallow and aloof…

    maybe not… who’s to judge…

    I don’t blame myself anymore…

    I accepted the reality…

    I got equanimity…

    I don’t know what life has in store for me…

    it surprised me…

    every single day!

    Liked by 1 person

    • So awesome my friend as you are open to discovery! When we can have gratitude for all our experiences we become “one” with life and our happiness begins to snow ball. When we ask our heart to connect with our being and our mind we emerge in alignment with the highest possibility for all. We are all learning what true love is on this planet my friend. Times have changed and I am grateful. Many heart to heart connections for you are in your field as you are so open. Seeing you in the light. Heart to Heart Robyn We are one no greater or lesser yet one.

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      • Hello there I just saw your comment, as wordpress changed the format, so perfect timing I always say! Yes to the love of self! A we integrate our higher selves with discovering what illusions our lower selves have told us. Our false beliefs and thoughts no longer run us! They become weaker.
        Good to see you uplifting yourself! without our darkness we would never know that of another. Heart to Heart Robyn

        Like

      • Hehe thanks Robyn…

        you are always welcome here… 😀 no matter what the format is….

        again… correct…

        if we know the cause and result of something…

        we can decide easily…

        if it is good or bad…

        sometimes there are illusions…

        emotions fog the truth…

        and we refuse the reality…

        then… when we are no more attached…

        we are able to think about a situation in a whole different perspective…

        and the truth dawns… and uplifts us…

        heart to heart..

        Like

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