Figuring out my way of suicide

07-02-21

Raat ke 3:20 ho rahe hai. Kab sota hu. Kab jaagta hu kuch hosh nahi rehta. Kal pura din bas doodh aur bread khai. Thodi der ke liye phone flight mode pe daala taki koi disturbance na ho. Utha to dekha duniya bhar ki missed calls aur msgs.

Umesh ne fir se email Kia tech m me. Senior management ko rakh ke. CEO etc. sab. Is baar bawal mach Gaya aur sab mujhe puchne aur dhoondhne lage. Shayad wo kaafi dil se chahta hai mera bura karna. Par waise hi is sab ne mujhse bohot kuch cheen Lia hai. Aur ab bhi bas kho hi raha hu. Sochta hu sab ko maaf kar du. Shayad mujhe thodi Shanti mile. Ye sab to mujhe maar kar hi maanenge.

Is ladai me kisi ko milna to kuch nahi hai. Par sabka jayega bohot kuch. Sapne, waqt, dil aur dimag ki shanti. Mera dimag to jhand ho chuka hai. Jaha tak sochta hu kisi ka kuch bigada nahi hai maine. Kahi na kahi kisi ka kuch banane me madad hi ki hogi. Par ye duniya hai sahab. Yaha kuch bhi hota hai. Aur kuch bhi hoga.

Chalo farz Kare ki Mai aaj mar gaya. Jaan kar mere maa baap aur bhai khush honge kyuke unki museebate kam ho jayengi. Uske ghar wale bhi khush ho jayenge kyu ki unka badla pura ho jayega. Deepesh bhi khush ke uski pareshaaniya kam ho gai par shayad wo apne Udhar diye paiso ke liye kaafi bura bhala kahega. Akshay ko shayad thoda jhatka lagega par jaldi hi sambhal jayega. Kuldeep ko dusra room mate mil jayega. Company ko dusra employee.

Mere sapne to reh jayenge. Log baat karte hai to dikhawe ki hamdardi dikhate hai. Mera dimag aaisa ho chuka hai ki ye pehchaan leta hai kaafi had tak kiska kya intention hai.

Kisi se umeed to ab rahi nahi. Na khud se koi ummeed bachi hai. Mai marunga to kuch din rone pitne ka dikhawa hoga. Kuch din baad sab sab kuch bhul kar apne apne life me involved ho jayenge. Waise bhi ab tak kaafi log kinaara kar chuke hai. Itna akelapan, kabhi na mile kisi ko.

Log agar kabhi 1 pal ko yaad bhi Karenge to Keh denge bura hua. Zyadatar kahenge harami tha. Kyuki kabhi kisi par zyada kharcha nahi. Wakil ko nuksaan hoga par uske paas koi kami to hai nahi pareshaan logo ki. Nagar ko bhi shayad jhatka lage par wo kuch palo se zyada ka nahi hoga. Jab wo tab Milne nahi aa paya to Marne pe bhi shayad hi aaye.

Gonda ko thoda dukh hoga par fir wo bhi jaldi hi thik ho jayega. Aacha admi hai gonda. Kaash uske saath zindagi me aacha ho.

Zimmedar kaun hoga meri maut ka? Batao. Kya wo sab log jinhone kinara kar lia. Ya wo log jinhone dilasa de kar saath nahi dia. Ya wo log jin se umeed thi par unhone aankhe fer li. Ankh ka paani Rukta nahi hai. Pata nahi isko kya chahiye. Pathra kar kaali to pad chuki hai. Par pathar se paani rukne ka naam nahi le raha.

Par ye to hai ki isme sab ki Khushi hai. Par Mai mythology pe research jo kar raha hu usme Kai way of thinking hai. Jisme se 1 hai rebirth. Mai deliberately chahta hu ki mujhe dubaara janam na mile. I want this Hindu doctrine to fail.

Chalo ab tak meri maut plausible hai aur beneficial bhi. Ab sochna ye hai ki karna Kaise hai. Faasi to mujh se lagegi nahi. This is a no no method for me. Accident me bachne ke chances kaafi rehte hai aur injury se bohot buri zindagi hogi aage agar bach Gaya to.

Zeher Kha ke marna plausible hai. Saath me neend ki golia taki kuch pata na chale. Par ye dono easily milte nahi hain. Iske baare me dekhta hu.

Agar Mai zinda rehta hu to jail jana pad sakta hai. Naukri ja sakti hai. Court kachehri me Umar nikal jayegi. Akele zindagi bitani padegi. Videsh to bhulna padega. Aur shayad paisa kaudi sab khatam ho jaye. Pyar aur saath..kyu apne saath mazak kar raha hu Mai.

Fir Mai karunga kya?

Feeling suicidal again

03-02-21

Ab tak teen baar police ghar aa chuki hai. Aur warrant bhi issue hue hain Jaisa ki aaj Kartik se baat karke pata chala. Un sab ka plan hai surrender karne ka aur fir regular bail apply karne ka. Deepesh ka rawaya bhi kuch ajib sa hai. Mujhe bhi ab tak kuch samajh nahi aa raha. Kya karu Kaise karu sab confusion sa hai. Dimag me uthal puthal chal rahi hai aur Mai so nahi paa raha. Duniya bhar ki chintaye khaye ja rahi hain. Kya kabhi aaisa din aayega jab Mai Khul k ji paunga apni zindagi. Itne saare plans hai kaise pure honge agar is sab me fasa rahunga. Kahi se koi roshani ki kiran nahi aa rahi. Padhne Jane ki tyari kar raha tha itne Dino se. aur sab sahi bhi ho raha tha. Par ab fir se ye sab shuru ho Gaya.

1 taraf is baat se thoda sukoon milta hai ki ye log bhi jail ke chakkar lagayenge aur thoda ehsaas hoga jo inhone mere saath kia. Par challenge ye hai ki mera koi support system nahi hai. Jaise taise loan band karwana tha par ab wo bhi mushkil sa lagta hai. Is sab me itni mehnat se kamaye paise aur mera kimti time chala jayega.

Arrest ho gya to record generate hoga aur is se kya kya consequences honge mujhe na unki puri jaankari hai na andaza. Kya chal raha hai iski kitni jaankari gupta ko hai ye bhi is sab se dikh raha hai. Wo bas wo kaam kar raha hai jisme uske paise bante rahe. Deepesh ka financial support bhi hat sakta hai. Apni shadi aur makan ke chakkaro me fasa hua hai.

Wahi ho raha hai jo mujhe pehle se dikh raha tha. Rishtedaari haath jhaad rahi hai. Wo harami paai nahi kharch karega na koi maama wagerah koi saamne aayega. Sab matlab ke yaar hain.

Mujhe arrest hokar jail nahi jaana. Na mujhe criminal record chahiye. Mai chahta hu ki Umesh aur uske maa Baap buri maut mare. Aur kaash jaldi mare. Kaash Mai khud mar jaau. Kisi Surat se to ye sab khatam ho harassment.

Fir se wahi sab karna padega. Mujhe apni zindagi se nafrat si hone lagi hai. Ye jo kuch nahi samajh me aana hai ye hi sabse bura hai.kabhi koi aaisa din aaye jab sab meri marzi se ho. Jaisa Mai chahu waisa. Aur uske outcomes bhi positive ho. Kya meri zindagi yu hi gisat ke chali jayegi. Ye sawal sab kab hal honge. Sab bemaani sa ho gya hai. Rone ko dil kar raha hai par ab to thik se rona bhi nahi aata.

Waise to ab Mai kisi dharam me wishwaas nahi karta. Par is sab ke baad is Bhagwan shabd se bhi bharosa uth sa gya hai. Mujhe nahi lagta Bhagwan hai ya kabhi tha. Madarchod. Jab se hosh sambhala hai chain hi nahi lagne dia behenchod ne. Itne harami log sab maze se ji rahe hai. Aur normal log gisad rahe hai apni zindagi me. Pehle survive karne ke liye aur fir khushiya dhundhne ko.

25 26 saal ki Umar tak survival ke liye lada. Ab ja kar kuch saal aaise aaye the Jaha survival se upar nikle. Pure pariwar ko upar le kar aaya. Par bhosdi wali duniya aur ye madarchod bhagwan dekh nahi paya ye sab hote hue. Iski maa ki chut. Pata nahi kyu dil ko thoda sukoon mila yu galiya de ke. Agar bhosdi wale tu hai Bhagwan madarchod to mujhe maar de. Yu taras tadap kar jeete jeete thak sag ya hu.Mai marna chahta hu.

Need of the hour missing

It’s been a couple of days I have not written anything and this feeling I get that something is missing. So, here I am writing again to make feel good and satiate this feeling.

I broke the E minor string on the guitar I am learning from. Result of which is I was bored and slept the whole day today. I have ordered the strings online and they were delivered today but the package was open and the string was broken too. Seller must have sent it thinking I would be needing other strings and will not be returning it. Guess, he/she was wrong.

Return package will come in tomorrow and then I will be back on learning this magnificent instrument. I was doing good till the string snapped.

It’s cold these days in India. And I don’t have a jacket so I don’t go out. I stay inside the blanket I have all day and use my electric gel pad to keep myself warm. It’s only for a few more weeks and the days will start to get warmer again.

I have a lots of things going on in the back of my head and it is the reason I have sleepless nights. With guitar I was keeping myself amused but these two days made me like a drug addict without his drugs.

I want to be able to sleep without any worries or thoughts. Just a state of pure bliss. And it has not happened in like years. Last I remember I slept like that was in my childhood. That feeling of feeling refreshed. I miss that. Is it too much to ask for.

What I do all day is either sleeping or being on my phone. Looking at random stuff in YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. It’s me killing time when I don’t feel like doing anything. I want ways to kill time that subconsciously make me grow. So that I could replace these with those. I loved sketching and I wanted to learn painting. I keeping all that on hold till I get my own accommodation.

But, in this uncertain world what is the probability of surviving another day, hour, minute or second. I think I should start on that as well. I want to learn so much and then make use of the things I learn in a meaningful way. But, out of 100 things I have learned till now since birth only few I really use to sustain. To work. To earn. There must be some way to update the education system so as to save so many years of life doing meaningless things and focus on things that actually matter.

Like being able to cook a healthy meal for oneself should be in the curriculum of every child. Similarly working with personal finances should be taught. These subjects and many more such subjects are critical for the development of every child. Just like sex education.

We as humans were ignorant towards this subject till so many diseases and myths became prevalent in society that they will remain for many many years to come. We then decided that it is high time now and that we should teach about this to remove misconceptions. Then came debates. Political angles and many more activities till it was implemented at some level.

But, it is still not being taught everywhere. As a result there will remain disparity in society and in the mental level of understanding. This will only cause conflicts. What do you think? Do you have any topics in mind that are need of the hour but are still missing and need to be picked up? Please comment and share.

Minimalism can save this world

I don’t know where to begin or what to write. But, I love coming back here and write. Give my thoughts to the universe. It’s all in open here for everyone to see, review, comment, guide, criticise or whatever one feels like to do or not do about it.

I write because I love this form of expression. And, I go sleepless through the nights. So, it’s better to share my daemons and my angels then wallowing in my bed with them.

Since I have moved out of my parents house. I am trying to live a minimalist lifestyle. Why? You may ask…or not. But, I am going to tell you anyway. Firstly I don’t think I will have large area of land against my name maybe in this lifetime. Because the property rates are rising while my income is limited.

Then you may ask why not generate more or new sources of income? Well, I would say that time at my hand is limited. It takes tremendous amount of work, money and resources to build a stream of income. I don’t have those yet.

So, I will have to save from whatever I earn to make a living. That takes away time from your life. Your youthful years! And by the time you have build resources for yourself, you get old. It is the circle or cycle for most of the common people including me that I am talking about.

I am here and I have full cognisance of this system or this cycle of a commoners life. Yet, I have no choice. Or do I have one?.

I have, I can reduce my wants and satiate my needs. Instead of acres I can go for foots. As a minimalist you satiate your basic needs and probably some of your wants that are within reach. And, say no to your unjust wants by reasoning with yourself.

It’s all good till it is black and white. But, it gets testing when it gets to grey areas. For instance what would you classify listening to music as? A need or a want… you may give yourself numerous reasons to classify it into the either of two.

This word “classify”. It is a piece of work. I assume it originated with a caveman trying to sort things like apples and oranges. Or maybe different types of rocks. So, it was good till it was like sorting and naming a group for understanding.

But, then ages passed and man learned things. He became increasingly intelligent. He sorted everything more and more. Till one day he saw his own image somewhere and realised, how could I miss sorting and classifying myself.

So, I think that resulted in all the classifications of our society today. Rich and poor. Black and white. Middle class, lower class etc. and so fourth. Till man was caveman there was I think little mental divide due to capabilities and possessions. After all hunting and gathering were the major tasks apart from sweet love making in bushes.

But, over time these classifications created mental divide in people. Superiority and inferiority complexes. And it will now stay as it is now coded into the genes over the years. But, if minimalism is publicly accepted as a practice it will reduce drastically if not remove this divide. I am certain of that.

We are on the cusp of so many natural disasters. Why? Because we are taking too much. We are taking more than we can chew. And in the process destructing and destroying nature. I saw this amazing and moving movie “Into the wild”. If you have seen it you will get me sooner.

It has a scene where he is living in the woods and nature provides for his needs. But, once he gets greedy for a moose as he will not have to do anything for days if he could save it’s meat as it is a big game. He takes more than he could chew. Result in suffering and wastage and discontent. Only if he could hold back his greed.

Same is happening on a much large scale in this world. Everyone needs more. More clothes, more footwear, more gold, more money, more food, more everything. Results in non availability for majority.

What do you think? Does this make any sense?

After a long time

Hi, it’s been a long time and I really missed you guys and my blog. So far I have done some things and been through a lot. I don’t even recall where we left off. But, I have tried doing business. Had to stop due to finances not coming in as soon as we’re needed by the business. So, had to take a break from that. Then comes the career part. Yes, I was also working all the time in a job to support my financial needs. I was laid off and then found a new job and have been working at the new place since then. I also tried my hand at investing in equity market and I must say I have been mildly successful there. But, again limited by inflow of money. So so far things have been decent in all these areas. And maybe in the near future they might get better.

Now, coming to my personal life it has been a shit storm. I realised my family was not fond of my way of living and my understanding of this world. Like always they tried to shove their views and understanding down my throat and make me act like they wanted me to, like any decent Indian child. I got married in feb 2020 with a girl of their choosing. I have not been very lucky in relationships and love.

And, I was getting older so there was a tremendous push. I bowed down and accepted. We got married and I spent all my hard earned savings on the ceremony. Mind you my family or relatives didn’t share any burden there. That’s the dual standards of family and relatives so called love and affection.

Anyhow, things were done and I was looking for a future with her and wanted to give all love, affection and care I could to her. Soon, in month of March corona breaks out and everything was uncertain again. I was trying my best to keep things going for my parents and my newly started family. Soon, my mother started showing her pent up disturbed psychology and started doing things to show my wife that I was less important in the household than my younger brother. The home atmosphere became toxic.

In all this it was very hard to focus on my job. And these things kept growing and my wife started to feel dislike and scorn for my mother. Everything was happening so fast that I was not able to control it. Then one day in April 2020 during lockdown she told me that she is pregnant. I was excited, nervous and there were so many feelings I couldn’t even describe here. I was so happy that I will be a father and wanted to more for my child.

After making sure she indeed was pregnant, we told my mother that she is pregnant and she will be a grandmother. But, her reaction was not of happiness. She reacted indifferent. And she told my wife that I will become a father with difficulty. I was shattered and so was she.

In our home my mom calls the shots and I must have mentioned in my older posts that my father is like a brain dead person who cannot think or do anything himself. So they reacted like it was an added burden on them and my mother stopped milk and fruits. She complained to me about it. I asked her that we will buy milk and she should ask if there was any issue in finances from my mother. It was a tough time but I knew there were no challenges that were stopping my mother from buying milk and fruits.

Anyhow, I started buying these things and took her to hospitals for regular checks. Things in the home was not going very well and specially my mother and father was behaving like psychopaths. My mother told my wife that our child will die in her womb. And I lost my mind at this and there was a verbal fight in my home. On that day my father called cops on me stating that I was beating them. I was loosing my sanity here. Cops asked details from all of us and found that nothing of such sort has happened. I told them I will leave this house after lockdown is over.

The discontent was everywhere. My wife wanted to get out of this mess. She used to talk to her family and say things about my family and me to her family. Things that were not very nice. It was only three months of marriage. And it was already loathsome for both of us. I sometimes felt she loved me but at the same time felt that she wanted to be out of this desperately. She was practical. On 17th of may she left my home or my parents home to visit her parents. In all this I was removed from my project in office and the salary was almost 50% of what I used to get. And there were all these expenses. I thought it will be best for everyone if she is away. She will feel better and I will get time to arrange things.

After visiting she stopped calling or receiving my calls and messages. I had given her medication for a month so I thought she might be upset but since she had medications with her I was not so worried. In the mean time after she left my father called cops again and this time I was arrested and beaten by police for allegedly beating my parents and asking for their property. Which I can assure you I never did.

I was kept in custody for two days and beaten, harassed and abused. I went into clinical depression after this. And kept myself locked in my room and didn’t eat for 9 days. I was so weak I could barely stand or walk. There was no contact from my wife or her family and I thought it’s a good thing that they don’t know about my situation. But, fate had more in store for me. She had aborted the baby without telling me at her family. She had taken her jewelleries and education documents along with her while she left. Probably she was looking for separation.

My friends on knowing tried to help me. They arranged a place for me and I was about to move that day. But, there was this strange feeling telling me that something was not okay. I like many times before tried calling her but she didn’t pick up. I asked my friend to visit her as I was very week. I moved to my friends place that day and we kept calling. I later called child care to visit her home to make sure if my child was okay. To which I was told that she has aborted. These things were like nails that were being hammered into me and my psyche. My family was told about this and they too somehow wanted to make the marriage work between me and her. So they got in contact and asked them to meet. Her family was avoiding contact.

I asked my friend to visit their home and take me along. No matter my condition. I wanted to know what has happened. My friend asked me to stay back and he and my family called a relative of her living nearby their home to tell them that they were coming for a visit and meeting. I was restless all this while. There was no contact for hours. I had no clue what was happening there. Then in evening my friend came back to his apartment and soon locked himself into his room. I waited patiently to know what has happened. He came out after a few minutes and was smoking heavily. He told me that my wife had committed suicide.

I was going mad already and these things were making it worse. On hearing that news I not able to breathe and everything became blurry. I couldn’t process this. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t comprehend. Nothing made sense. But, this not the end of troubles here. Her family filed a complaint with police for dowry death and abutment to suicide. Both are serious issues and me and my family could be arrested without any permissions from magistrate. I frankly didn’t cared for my family for all that they had done to me. But, getting arrested means a criminal record and my future was in deep shit. No, good company will hire me. I will loose my job. And there were numerous consequences.

Anyhow, I was taking medicines for my depression and anxiety. I took them for 5 months. Prozac and others. Got a lawyer and got in touch with investigating officer for support. Investigation is still ongoing. Not sure what is in store for me.

After long

Hi, hope you all were doing great. It’s been a while since I’ve written something here. Life gets to you. Had a lot going on in mine. I am at a point where I seek for solitude. I used to seek companionship before and struggled with that. But, since I seek no more I am finding people who want me to be with them. It’s a strange world indeed.

I now have people in my life that are going to stay. And there is nothing I have to do for their maintenance. Before I used to think it was a two way street. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. But, I guess my experiences have changed my mindset.

My family has grown a lot. Education is taking its root deeper into the family structure. I am however the ugly duckling. I failed my semester in my masters. But, I am going easy on myself as it was a tough semester and there was a lot on my mind to handle and do. I was overwhelmed by all that and couldn’t do much.

There is this person in my life now that has changed my mindset about so many things. I see things in a different light now. I have a much more evolved thought process about relationships now. I am thankful.

I was struggling with loads of things. This person eased so much of my pain. But, let me tell you the process was not so smooth. We had fights and different views about so many things. But, I think we both evolved.

Thank you god for everything. May there be peace everywhere.

Is love enough

Hello everyone, Its been a really long time I have shared anything and I been through a lot lately.

There are a lot of things I want to share and blow the steam off into the universe.

I have tried a lot of things in the past. And I lost my mental peace and things went sour.

I was in a relationship that life wanted me to be in as I had given up control and I was going with the flow. Though sometimes I did used my mind but eventually I realised thinking from heart work best in relationships.

It all started when this girl approached me in 2017 as a prospective match for marriage. She came to meet me and my mother with her friend. More on him below.

At that point of time I said no as I was not in an emotionally well state, because of the last girl I was talking to.

Yes, I get attached easily and believe all the sweet talks, I however can’t make false commitments and that is one of the reason I seem aloof in an relationship.

however, I was laid off from my job and post that joined a new place of work. I saw her during interview and thought that it was awkward. I didn’t want to give her any details then. But, somehow she joined the same team that I joined.

She was allotted the seat next to me. However, I maintained my distance from her as I felt resentment from her. But, being who I am I still helped her at work in hopes of burying the hatchet.

She was not very appealing in terms of her looks, and could be termed ugly. I know it sounds like I am a jerk and I am undermining her but it is the reality. Due to which she used to remain insecure all the time.

It turned out that I noticed her noticing me all the time and I knew she was interested. She used to initiate random chats and comment on my whatts app statuses to initiate a conversation and finally they begun.

At that point of time she was going on breaks and hanging out with another male team mate in our team and that guy had a girlfriend. But, I always felt that she was into him.

I realised at that point of time she was hiding something from me. I realised though she is in talks with someone she wants to go around with me. So, finally it all begun and she asked me for a go-around after my exams. She was insistent, though I thought that any sane girl will refuse the offer. It was a hot summer day and I was sleep deprived due to overnight study.

We met and it all continued. I always felt that she was following some sort of instructions or getting some guidance from somewhere. She had another colleague as her besty  which is a term for a guy who is friend zoned and only a emotional dumping solution for girls these days and yes these guys are used as a financial asset as well with occasional sweet talks.

After we started going around she once told me she didn’t like kids. I was like how could that be that a woman could not like kids at all. I thought she was kidding at that point of time.

In the mean time she told me that the guy in our team she is going out and breaks with was like her brother and nothing is between them. So our going around increased and we went on a trip to taj mahal. And as it is a romantic place we kissed. She cried at the  main exit and said that she will have to justify her friend from the first meeting in 2017 to my family always. I consoled her. The trip in itself is a story.

However, she had an offer of work from another company at that point of time and I didn’t stop her from going there because I didn’t want to stop her career growth. But, deep down I wished for her to stay. And I talked about her at my home.

Her friend with whom she came to see me had his birthday and she was excited to wish him. This guy worked in the company next to ours. And she used to meet him too sometimes.

Now, I realised in the time we spent together that nothing she did was without any premeditated reason or reasons.

So, I met this guy along with her and another friend. He was very rude and behaved like a dick. And he made me upset. I had to go through all that because of her.

Now, the story surfaced. This guy was not just her friend but someone she met for marriage in mind an year back. She told me that he was just a friend or cousin. WTF. And the guy was committed to the same girl I was in talks before meeting her in 2017. And he wanted her to meet me and convinced her. Sounded like a conspiracy to me. However, I forgave because she seemed innocent and I didn’t realised her part in this play yet.

Anyhow, I let this go. We were preparing for our parents meeting. And she started sexting and sending in nude images to make the bond stronger or to keep me hooked I guess.

Then one day I out of curiosity asked about the medicines she used to take. She told me about her health issue and told her periods are delayed. Finally she showed me that she had PCOS.

PCOS had made her infertile and I believe that is the exact reason she was introduced to me by that guy. He wanted me to suffer for a lifetime.

I still forgave her for not telling me the truth earlier, She tried to give me hints by saying she didn’t like kids. But, was that enough? I don’t think so. What do you think? It was something that should be shared clearly because it would have impacted me and my life drastically. That mental trauma and agony it could cause after some time in marriage is something all couples are afraid off.

Then parents met and her father was not enthusiastic about us. They were three siblings and two of them were separated or divorcee. The family had a history of failed relationships and court cases.

Now, consider this. An lying or manipulating infertile woman with a family history of failed relationships.

My family was still willing to accept her, but now my subconscious was going mad and I started to lose perspective.

She moved to her new place and new job and I felt some relief from her. And yes I forgot to mention that she used to say that I was after her money all the time and used to spy on me. Despite me sharing all the details required like my social accounts and my cell phone. It pissed me off but I thought if it could establish trust than nothing better.

Now, as families were not agreeing she started bitching about me that I was after dowry etc. that too to her besty. By this time this guy liked me and was my good friend and treated me like an elder brother.

He came to me and told me that the other guy in team was her crush and showed her messages to me. This is the guy she told me was her brother. Super weird bitch.

I was so mad in love. Now her crush was also my friend so I talked to him for details. He said she took him to movies and used to use him to make the guy, his so called cousin jealous. And If you were reading this with care. She was in talks with a guy from mumbai while she was approaching me. Going out with his brother she had crush on.

Now, my family asked me to stop talking to her. I couldn’t.

Emotions clogged my mind. What would you do in my situation?

Could you please recommend the best in class biographies

Hello everyone,

Hope you all are doing great.

I miss this place a lot and wish I could just write every second of my life here.

However, I could not do that.

I was wondering recently the list of people whose biographies or brief bio’s or related books I have recently read.

the list boils down to these people:

1.) Michael Dell.

2.) Richard Branson

3.) Warren Buffet

4.) Benjamin Franklin

5.) Abul Kalam Azad

6.) Adolf Hitler

7.) Nelson Mandela

8.) Abraham Lincoln

Now, I want to be really choosy about what I read and I have some topics in mind like:

Leadership

Overcoming obstacles

Problem Solving

Creative Thinking

Grit.

Could you please recommend the best in class biographies or books for the same.

 

 

Dear god, Please mend your ways

I don’t know why is this happening with me.

over and over again. If there is a god I want to understand him.

I want to talk to him. Why is my life not like normal people out there.

Why do I have to struggle and grind for everything and yet nothing stays.

Since childhood I have witnessed household fights.

There were periods where there was no income as my father had no work.

Our relations were so sour that we had abandoned most of them.

My grandfather never really loved me.

I have few friends but no one really cares.

I am so averse to love because of my experiences.

I joined Capgemini thinking that it will bring some stability in my life.

But, no. I was harassed and humiliated because my manager wanted me to be removed from the project and organisation as he has people from his religion that needed promotion.

Why the fuck do you have to do this you son of a bitch.

Just let me know why.

How have I wronged you?

Why do you keep teasing me?

Why can’t you just let me be?

If you can’t see me happy for some time, Why don’t you kill me?

I don’t want this fucking play and lesson anymore.

I just wish that I sleep and never wake up.

I just want to abuse you.

You know that I do everything in my power.

But, you don’t let me get what I deserve.

Don’t I deserve to be happy?

Was it wrong to help ease suffering of people.

If not, then why did I have to lose my job.

I tried to do business, it failed.

do you want me to starve to death?

You fucking ass hole. I have loans.

I have to pay emis.

You don’t have to.

Fucking ass hole, so much is wrong with this world.

Where the fuck are you.

And why do you fuck people who want to do the right thing.

Do you support ass holes who do wrong?

Because it seems so.

If not then I suggest you to mend your ways.

I don’t know how I feel anymore

Recently life has become a little stable on the professional front.

I was doing my thing and moving ahead in life.

But, life has something else in store for me.

I just want to be left alone and be happy living my life.

Family made me meet this girl to arrange my marriage.

Her family tried to look decent.

But, when I met the girl. She was dressed like she was not willing to get married.

That was the first red flag, but I ignored it as I liked her pictures sent to us by her family.

And she was well educated so I thought to give her a benefit of a doubt there

never ignore the first red flag, is my learning here.

My mom didn’t liked her appearance at all, she didn’t liked her.

we had a decent conversation post that I asked her about her dreams.

and I told her my future plans, and some random talks.

I asked her if she could cook, she said a little.

That was workable for me, as we cannot eat from restaurants all life long.

I told her I had a girlfriend in school and I drink beer in team parties.

I was being as honest as possible and I wanted to give her a chance to refuse marriage if she liked.

I don’t like to say no to people, I know it is something that has been impacting me.

but yes that’s me. stupid silly me.

this meeting ended and after this I contacted her via linkdin.

she accepted my invite and we exchanged numbers.

she was happy to be talking to me and I felt that we connected in the first meet so lets give it a try.

initially everything was good and nice, she was nice and everything.

then she slowly and gradually turned very demanding.

she was like what dresses would you buy for me, what perfumes etc.

Which ring will you give me in engagement ceremony.

I was dumbfound, a educated girl who is earning her living had these aspirations from her husband.

I thought no one is perfect and she might have said all this in the flow of emotions.

then she was like which cars will you buy for me etc.

I only asked her one thing that would she be able to cook for us, to which she replied she would keep a cook.

I was accepting her in every way, despite all her shortcomings.

She liked to drink, horsing around in parties and hookahs.

I was finding myself to be a much better person then her.

well I was almost certain to block her there. But, later that night she called and said that she loved me.

This happened in just one week, I thought maybe she was judging me and I passed.

But, the next day she was all different.

She said she is afraid when I asked her if she would marry me.

All I know is love conquers fears.

Her words were empty, in that one moment everything dawned on me.

Then I had to block her, I called her mom too.

Well… I learned that we should not like someone for their face value.

I think we should take a deep dive to know what is exactly there.

We might get some burns and heartache for some time in doing this.

But, isn’t that better then a lifetime of suffering?