After long

Hi, hope you all were doing great. It’s been a while since I’ve written something here. Life gets to you. Had a lot going on in mine. I am at a point where I seek for solitude. I used to seek companionship before and struggled with that. But, since I seek no more I am finding people who want me to be with them. It’s a strange world indeed.

I now have people in my life that are going to stay. And there is nothing I have to do for their maintenance. Before I used to think it was a two way street. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. But, I guess my experiences have changed my mindset.

My family has grown a lot. Education is taking its root deeper into the family structure. I am however the ugly duckling. I failed my semester in my masters. But, I am going easy on myself as it was a tough semester and there was a lot on my mind to handle and do. I was overwhelmed by all that and couldn’t do much.

There is this person in my life now that has changed my mindset about so many things. I see things in a different light now. I have a much more evolved thought process about relationships now. I am thankful.

I was struggling with loads of things. This person eased so much of my pain. But, let me tell you the process was not so smooth. We had fights and different views about so many things. But, I think we both evolved.

Thank you god for everything. May there be peace everywhere.

Advertisements

Is love enough

Hello everyone, Its been a really long time I have shared anything and I been through a lot lately.

There are a lot of things I want to share and blow the steam off into the universe.

I have tried a lot of things in the past. And I lost my mental peace and things went sour.

I was in a relationship that life wanted me to be in as I had given up control and I was going with the flow. Though sometimes I did used my mind but eventually I realised thinking from heart work best in relationships.

It all started when this girl approached me in 2017 as a prospective match for marriage. She came to meet me and my mother with her friend. More on him below.

At that point of time I said no as I was not in an emotionally well state, because of the last girl I was talking to.

Yes, I get attached easily and believe all the sweet talks, I however can’t make false commitments and that is one of the reason I seem aloof in an relationship.

however, I was laid off from my job and post that joined a new place of work. I saw her during interview and thought that it was awkward. I didn’t want to give her any details then. But, somehow she joined the same team that I joined.

She was allotted the seat next to me. However, I maintained my distance from her as I felt resentment from her. But, being who I am I still helped her at work in hopes of burying the hatchet.

She was not very appealing in terms of her looks, and could be termed ugly. I know it sounds like I am a jerk and I am undermining her but it is the reality. Due to which she used to remain insecure all the time.

It turned out that I noticed her noticing me all the time and I knew she was interested. She used to initiate random chats and comment on my whatts app statuses to initiate a conversation and finally they begun.

At that point of time she was going on breaks and hanging out with another male team mate in our team and that guy had a girlfriend. But, I always felt that she was into him.

I realised at that point of time she was hiding something from me. I realised though she is in talks with someone she wants to go around with me. So, finally it all begun and she asked me for a go-around after my exams. She was insistent, though I thought that any sane girl will refuse the offer. It was a hot summer day and I was sleep deprived due to overnight study.

We met and it all continued. I always felt that she was following some sort of instructions or getting some guidance from somewhere. She had another colleague as her besty  which is a term for a guy who is friend zoned and only a emotional dumping solution for girls these days and yes these guys are used as a financial asset as well with occasional sweet talks.

After we started going around she once told me she didn’t like kids. I was like how could that be that a woman could not like kids at all. I thought she was kidding at that point of time.

In the mean time she told me that the guy in our team she is going out and breaks with was like her brother and nothing is between them. So our going around increased and we went on a trip to taj mahal. And as it is a romantic place we kissed. She cried at the  main exit and said that she will have to justify her friend from the first meeting in 2017 to my family always. I consoled her. The trip in itself is a story.

However, she had an offer of work from another company at that point of time and I didn’t stop her from going there because I didn’t want to stop her career growth. But, deep down I wished for her to stay. And I talked about her at my home.

Her friend with whom she came to see me had his birthday and she was excited to wish him. This guy worked in the company next to ours. And she used to meet him too sometimes.

Now, I realised in the time we spent together that nothing she did was without any premeditated reason or reasons.

So, I met this guy along with her and another friend. He was very rude and behaved like a dick. And he made me upset. I had to go through all that because of her.

Now, the story surfaced. This guy was not just her friend but someone she met for marriage in mind an year back. She told me that he was just a friend or cousin. WTF. And the guy was committed to the same girl I was in talks before meeting her in 2017. And he wanted her to meet me and convinced her. Sounded like a conspiracy to me. However, I forgave because she seemed innocent and I didn’t realised her part in this play yet.

Anyhow, I let this go. We were preparing for our parents meeting. And she started sexting and sending in nude images to make the bond stronger or to keep me hooked I guess.

Then one day I out of curiosity asked about the medicines she used to take. She told me about her health issue and told her periods are delayed. Finally she showed me that she had PCOS.

PCOS had made her infertile and I believe that is the exact reason she was introduced to me by that guy. He wanted me to suffer for a lifetime.

I still forgave her for not telling me the truth earlier, She tried to give me hints by saying she didn’t like kids. But, was that enough? I don’t think so. What do you think? It was something that should be shared clearly because it would have impacted me and my life drastically. That mental trauma and agony it could cause after some time in marriage is something all couples are afraid off.

Then parents met and her father was not enthusiastic about us. They were three siblings and two of them were separated or divorcee. The family had a history of failed relationships and court cases.

Now, consider this. An lying or manipulating infertile woman with a family history of failed relationships.

My family was still willing to accept her, but now my subconscious was going mad and I started to lose perspective.

She moved to her new place and new job and I felt some relief from her. And yes I forgot to mention that she used to say that I was after her money all the time and used to spy on me. Despite me sharing all the details required like my social accounts and my cell phone. It pissed me off but I thought if it could establish trust than nothing better.

Now, as families were not agreeing she started bitching about me that I was after dowry etc. that too to her besty. By this time this guy liked me and was my good friend and treated me like an elder brother.

He came to me and told me that the other guy in team was her crush and showed her messages to me. This is the guy she told me was her brother. Super weird bitch.

I was so mad in love. Now her crush was also my friend so I talked to him for details. He said she took him to movies and used to use him to make the guy, his so called cousin jealous. And If you were reading this with care. She was in talks with a guy from mumbai while she was approaching me. Going out with his brother she had crush on.

Now, my family asked me to stop talking to her. I couldn’t.

Emotions clogged my mind. What would you do in my situation?

Could you please recommend the best in class biographies

Hello everyone,

Hope you all are doing great.

I miss this place a lot and wish I could just write every second of my life here.

However, I could not do that.

I was wondering recently the list of people whose biographies or brief bio’s or related books I have recently read.

the list boils down to these people:

1.) Michael Dell.

2.) Richard Branson

3.) Warren Buffet

4.) Benjamin Franklin

5.) Abul Kalam Azad

6.) Adolf Hitler

7.) Nelson Mandela

8.) Abraham Lincoln

Now, I want to be really choosy about what I read and I have some topics in mind like:

Leadership

Overcoming obstacles

Problem Solving

Creative Thinking

Grit.

Could you please recommend the best in class biographies or books for the same.

 

 

Dear god, Please mend your ways

I don’t know why is this happening with me.

over and over again. If there is a god I want to understand him.

I want to talk to him. Why is my life not like normal people out there.

Why do I have to struggle and grind for everything and yet nothing stays.

Since childhood I have witnessed household fights.

There were periods where there was no income as my father had no work.

Our relations were so sour that we had abandoned most of them.

My grandfather never really loved me.

I have few friends but no one really cares.

I am so averse to love because of my experiences.

I joined Capgemini thinking that it will bring some stability in my life.

But, no. I was harassed and humiliated because my manager wanted me to be removed from the project and organisation as he has people from his religion that needed promotion.

Why the fuck do you have to do this you son of a bitch.

Just let me know why.

How have I wronged you?

Why do you keep teasing me?

Why can’t you just let me be?

If you can’t see me happy for some time, Why don’t you kill me?

I don’t want this fucking play and lesson anymore.

I just wish that I sleep and never wake up.

I just want to abuse you.

You know that I do everything in my power.

But, you don’t let me get what I deserve.

Don’t I deserve to be happy?

Was it wrong to help ease suffering of people.

If not, then why did I have to lose my job.

I tried to do business, it failed.

do you want me to starve to death?

You fucking ass hole. I have loans.

I have to pay emis.

You don’t have to.

Fucking ass hole, so much is wrong with this world.

Where the fuck are you.

And why do you fuck people who want to do the right thing.

Do you support ass holes who do wrong?

Because it seems so.

If not then I suggest you to mend your ways.

I don’t know how I feel anymore

Recently life has become a little stable on the professional front.

I was doing my thing and moving ahead in life.

But, life has something else in store for me.

I just want to be left alone and be happy living my life.

Family made me meet this girl to arrange my marriage.

Her family tried to look decent.

But, when I met the girl. She was dressed like she was not willing to get married.

That was the first red flag, but I ignored it as I liked her pictures sent to us by her family.

And she was well educated so I thought to give her a benefit of a doubt there

never ignore the first red flag, is my learning here.

My mom didn’t liked her appearance at all, she didn’t liked her.

we had a decent conversation post that I asked her about her dreams.

and I told her my future plans, and some random talks.

I asked her if she could cook, she said a little.

That was workable for me, as we cannot eat from restaurants all life long.

I told her I had a girlfriend in school and I drink beer in team parties.

I was being as honest as possible and I wanted to give her a chance to refuse marriage if she liked.

I don’t like to say no to people, I know it is something that has been impacting me.

but yes that’s me. stupid silly me.

this meeting ended and after this I contacted her via linkdin.

she accepted my invite and we exchanged numbers.

she was happy to be talking to me and I felt that we connected in the first meet so lets give it a try.

initially everything was good and nice, she was nice and everything.

then she slowly and gradually turned very demanding.

she was like what dresses would you buy for me, what perfumes etc.

Which ring will you give me in engagement ceremony.

I was dumbfound, a educated girl who is earning her living had these aspirations from her husband.

I thought no one is perfect and she might have said all this in the flow of emotions.

then she was like which cars will you buy for me etc.

I only asked her one thing that would she be able to cook for us, to which she replied she would keep a cook.

I was accepting her in every way, despite all her shortcomings.

She liked to drink, horsing around in parties and hookahs.

I was finding myself to be a much better person then her.

well I was almost certain to block her there. But, later that night she called and said that she loved me.

This happened in just one week, I thought maybe she was judging me and I passed.

But, the next day she was all different.

She said she is afraid when I asked her if she would marry me.

All I know is love conquers fears.

Her words were empty, in that one moment everything dawned on me.

Then I had to block her, I called her mom too.

Well… I learned that we should not like someone for their face value.

I think we should take a deep dive to know what is exactly there.

We might get some burns and heartache for some time in doing this.

But, isn’t that better then a lifetime of suffering?

 

 

 

Something fishy.

Hello all, missed you immensely.

Life goes on, as the show must go on.

Recently I have been avoiding my manager. who is a beautiful woman.

I recently joined this new organisation, everything seemed okay at first.

But, then things started dawning on me, the office politics struck again and with a vengeance.

She was also a victim, she welcomed me and thanked me for joining.

In the initial discussion I told her about my growth plan.

She agreed to help.

Post which she used to call me to her desk to talk to me.

She told me about her views about me, she was running her fingers through her hairs.

Her views were that I have a strong personality etc.

Then all of a sudden she told me, she trusts me.

I was kind of shocked and didn’t knew what to say and how to say.

But, weeks later she told me that she has resigned.

It felt like someone had removed the floor beneath me and I am falling.

I kind of knew that she was playing with me, as you all know that I am an ass!

Those were some made up words to use me.

But, recently she on her own escalated my issues to senior management.

I didn’t said anything to her.

She even scheduled a discussion with her manager, this all left me confused.

What is up with her. She is on notice period.

Hardly knows me, and why would she try to help me.

on asking her this, he said its her job.

what will she gain, as there are no free lunches in this world.

Now, I am awestruck by this concerned act.

And I have been ignoring her as she has a silver tongue.

She downloaded some work on me too.

I have seen her staring at me once or twice while working.

My situation might improve, might not. In office.

I kind of like her. But, can’t call her my friend either.

She uses this team member and this girl uses her to know about stuff going around.

She, the little spy keeps on probing me for information too.

Overall, this smells fishy and I am looking for the best solution for this situation.

Could you all help?

 

 

 

 

 

To you, from me.

Hello,

This is me addressing you, and this from the person who will best know you throughout your life.

Well, first thing first. I have deep deep faith in you. I know you will move mountains by your sheer hard work and dedication.

I know you will do things thinking about the best interests of everyone every time.

I know that and I have faith. Things may not go as you will plan sometimes.

They will figure out something that somehow you will miss. And that is understandable.

You are a human not a super computer or some freak who could know and predict everything.

You will make every decision with the best of your abilities and knowledge you possess at that moment.

I know you would succeed, and you would fail.

But you will never surrender, never give up.

Sometimes you might have to step back, move back a little.

but, you would use that to sling shot yourself many steps ahead.

You are be a conquer, and you would be a king.

The kind of person who would be sought for and loved and respected by everyone.

You would amass wealth enough to sustain a stress free lifestyle for yourself and near and dear ones.

You would live your dreams.

And you would dream more to keep going.

And you would do all this, success and failure and success circle with a smile on your face and a serene peace in your heart.

Love you always.

 

Yours truly.

you know who!